Dating is an exciting experience that often comes with uncertainty. A common challenge while dating is the need to define the relationship, otherwise known by the slang term “DTR”. Making sure you and any potential partner are on the same page is integral to the success of the relationship. The DTR conversation is a pivotal moment where the people involved in the relationship get to discuss and establish expectations, commitments, intentions, and desires. It can help the individuals involved gain clarity and avoid misunderstandings, laying the groundwork for a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship. This article provides guidance on how to approach DTR conversations, what to discuss, and the appropriate timing for this important discussion.
How do you have a DTR conversation?
When most people think of a DTR conversation, they envision a casual dating scenario transitioning into a long term, monogamous relationship but this does not necessarily need to be the case. The only unifying trait of all DTR conversations is the ultimate result, but the desire to ensure everyone is on the same page about the future of the relationship.
Bringing up the DTR conversation can be nerve racking because of the uncertainty. No one wants to be rejected and having a DTR conversation risks rejection and conflict. Unfortunately, if you would like the relationship to continue, the DTR conversation is inevitable.
Once you feel ready to have the conversation, you may not necessarily know how to go about it. Here are some tips for fostering an effective conversation:
Find a comfortable, private space without distractions.
This is an important conversation that deserves everyone’s full attention, so having a private and comfortable space helps to set the tone.
Be genuine and honest.
Being vulnerable is scary but if you cannot be open and honest, it is unrealistic to expect that you will get full honesty in return.
Avoid making assumptions.
It is tempting to try to “mindread” what someone else is thinking or feeling about you when you have not had the opportunity to hear those thoughts from them firsthand. The danger of making and expressing those assumptions, however, is that if they are wrong it could insult the person or complicate the conversation.
Use “I” statements.
Framing your thoughts and questions from your own perspective and emotions can prevent coming across confrontational or accusatory.
What do you need to discuss in a DTR conversation?
Once you have an idea of how to prepare for this conversation, you might be wondering what you need to discuss specifically. Topics to consider touching on include:
Exclusivity and/or monogamy. Discuss whether you want to be exclusive and monogamous or practice some form of non-monogamy.
Commitment level. Decide what level of responsibility you have to each other and what committing means. Are you looking for something serious and long term or casual and short term? What responsibility do you expect from each other?
Relationship goals. It is important to express to each other what you envision in your future and how a partner would - or would not - ideally fit into your life. Some people, for example, want marriage and/or kids, while others see themselves casually dating for the foreseeable future. Understanding each other’s short and long term goals will help ensure you are on the same page about the future of the relationship.
The timing for the conversation is unique to each relationship. Oftentimes DTR conversations occur once an emotional connection and/or romantic feelings have developed. Ideally, these conversations happen as soon as possible to open up the line of communication and promote clarity.
Similarly to the timing, the script you use will depend on your relationship dynamics and the level of comfort between you and your partner. That being said, here are some conversation starters:
“I have really been enjoying spending time with you. I would love to sit down and talk about where we see this relationship going.”
“I feel uncertain of where our relationship is headed and it would be helpful to talk about it with you so we can both get clarity.”
“I value our relationship and want to make sure we are on the same page. Can we have a conversation about what we both want and expect from this?”
Communication is a fundamental part of any healthy relationship and the way your DTR conversation goes can be an indicator for how compatible your communication styles are. There is no right or wrong answer, so listen to your gut and keep in mind what you want; if you get a disappointing answer from your partner in a DTR conversation, you do not need to settle. If you are unsure of what you want or how to figure it out, consider speaking with a therapist.
