Is this the right relationship for you? Here are 3 ways to find out

Even in the most committed relationship, it is normal and healthy to occasionally wonder if it is the right fit. There is unfortunately no checklist or book of rules that ensures the perfect match so it is up to us to assess the relationship. Just because you have doubts doesn’t invalidate your commitment and love for your partner, but it’s important to honestly take into consideration those doubts. There is nothing wrong with wanting to consciously and intentionally ensure that your needs are being taken care of as the relationship progresses.

1) You maintain distinct identities and social lives outside the relationship

When you’re in a comfortable, happy relationship it’s easy and normal to get stuck in a love bubble, especially in the honeymoon phase at the beginning. Once that dissipates though, you should feel as though you have a distinct identity and live outside your partner if it’s a typical healthy relationship. Otherwise, you’ll start to veer into codependent territory which is not good.

2) You feel like you can communicate honestly and openly

Communication is the number one ingredient to a good relationship. If you feel like you have to hide parts of yourself or keep your feelings to yourself, that’s a sign that you should evaluate the relationship. It certainly doesn’t mean the relationship is automatically terrible, just that you might want to be intentional about nurturing the communication aspect.

3) Listen to your gut 

The rose-colored glasses of being in love can often override a nagging feeling in your gut that something is off. Allow yourself to honestly weigh the pros and cons and listen to your intuition about the future of the relationship. This is important at any stage of a relationship but especially after you’ve been together awhile; people change over time so you might want to reassess if the things that attracted you initially are still there. A relationship worth your time will be able to withstand your analysis with flying colors.

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It’s important to note that there will never be a one size fits all checklist for whether or not a relationship is “good.” Furthermore, beyond the quantifiable qualities, there are indescribable aspects that contribute to satisfaction as well. At the end of the day, the best you can do is trust your heart and listen to your gut; articles like this can be good guidelines, but should not be the final say on the future of your relationship. These are simply some green flags to look out for. If you are worried about whether or not your relationship is a good fit, consider working with a relationship therapist to talk through your concerns with a qualified professional.

7 Mindfulness Basics to Bring Into Your Intimate Relationships

The practice of mindfulness is rooted in Buddhist teachings, as well as recognized in other indigenous and Eastern traditions. Applied to our busy lives, practicing Mindfulness means we are able to dwell in a state of noticing and acceptance with compassion before acting or reacting. Jon-Kabat Zinn, who has been researching mindfulness through meditation since the 1970s, explains how Mindfulness practices can get us out of a Me-focused state of mind by cultivating an “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally.”  Mindfulness practices literally change the way electrical energy in the brain fires! Over time and with practice, Mindfulness practice can improve focus, self-awareness, memory, compassion, immune function, anxiety and depression. 

How does Mindfulness Apply to Intimate Relationships?

Health and wellness is a relational issue, and relationships have a significant impact on our health and wellness. It’s no surprise then that research is mounting in recent years in support of relationship mindfulness. Mindfulness has been studied as a way to increase overall health, increase empathy, improve sexual intimacy, reduce conflict, and even regulate cortisol levels among couples. Relationship mindfulness can help couples reign in conflict before getting out of control, decrease anxiety that comes with sexual intimacy, and help partners implement the common desire for more intention in their relationships.

If you’ve been in relationship with anyone for any significant amount of time - including family, friendships, and lovers - you might know what it is like to get to a place where action and reaction becomes the go-to response in conflict, or even the busy day-to-day routines. If you have been feeling un-noticed, un-seen, disconnected and misunderstood (or if your partner has expressed these feelings), relationship mindfulness may be the refresh you and your partners need.

7 Relationship Mindfulness Basics

Relationship mindfulness can be a formal activity, like taking a yoga or meditation class together. It can also be sprinkled into any informal activity you do with partners. Whenever you want to apply Mindfulness to relationships, there are a few things to keep in mind and activity suggestions to help you practice with intention and, hopefully, JOY!

1. Practice relationship mindfulness with specific intention

Practice makes perfect and Mindfulness takes practice! Use the suggested activities below and keep your Mindfulness Practice sacred by leaving out high-conflict issues. Hopefully, you quickly get to a place where those issues can be mindfully addressed, but make your beginner practice time enjoyable and nourishing of your relationship. We suggest putting unresolvable topics that may come up during practice into the “parking lot”, which may be a notebook or phone notes that you bring with you to a therapy session at Embrace Sexual Wellness.

2. Pay attention with all of your senses

Notice what comes up for you in your thoughts or your body during relationship mindfulness practice. Pay attention to the body language and tone of your partner. Notice what feels good and say it out loud, or simply describe what you sense about your environment. Maybe any one small statement can become an exploration together. For example, you might take a bite and say “This bite tasted sweet,” and end up deconstructing flavors with your partners, talking about the best desserts you’ve ever had, and planning your next adventure to the new cupcake shop in your town! 

Not everything we notice feels good. See if you can sit with discomfort when it arises, and share it with your partner if that feels safe. If conflict arises that feels too big, put it in the parking lot, take a small break, and refocus your attention on what you see, smell, taste, hear, and feel. Prioritize your comfort and that of your partner during this activity.

3. Be curious, not judgy

Share and listen to the observations that you and your partner are sensing without judgement. Try to see your experiences and thoughts through a lens of curiosity, like you might do with a stranger who is not familiar with anything in your world. Investigate your partners’ observations with care and compassion. When self-criticisms arise, recognize that they are a part of a complex construct of messaging you have been receiving for a very long time, and then with acceptance and compassion, be curious even for yourself. In these moments with your partner, you are not your body, or your mind. You are in a relationship that deserves kindness and nourishment. Be forgiving if your intentional relationship mindfulness practice is disrupted by conflict. It is normal and perfectly fine to rest and try again another time.

4. Be present in the journey, not the destination

Have you ever said, “I don’t need you to solve my problem! I just want to vent.”? Release the burden of solving problems and ask your partner questions that help them further explore. If you find your partner trying to solve your problems, you can express gratitude for their concern, or use it as a point of curiosity to find out more about them! (i.e. “that’s an interesting idea, what made you think of it?”).

5. Slow down and breathe between thoughts

Before you answer a question, take a breath. If your partner is pausing, give them all the time they need to form thoughts. Silence is a perfect alternative to talking. We all process differently and some of us need time to think through or we begin to feel anxious and say things that are inauthentic. Be confident in your partner’s ability to be accountable for their own communication when given the space to do so, and in the meantime, breathe and notice what is going on in your own body.

6. Connect with your partner physically

Brittany Jakubiek, author of several studies on touch during couple conflict says that “touching reminds couples that they are on the same team.” Jakubiek found that touch reduces stress and conflict behaviors between couples. Although this is not specifically mindfulness practice, consensual touching is a valid method of communication between partners.

7. Plan a low conflict activity

Not every activity on our list will feel like the right fit for you with your partner, and there are infinite ways to create a mindful experience together. Depending on where you are at in your partnership, discuss what feels safe and enjoyable for both of you. Start small and time-limited if you are often in high conflict, and work with a therapist to navigate parking lot issues.

• Share a meal at a new place. Talk about the flavors, texture, and presentation of the food. Notice the aromas, colors, and atmosphere of the environment. People watch, describing body language and co-creating stories of the people you see.

• Take a bath together. Discuss boundaries ahead of time regarding sexual intimacy. Focus on the sensations of water, and use bath oils or bath bombs to add sensation.

• Walk with each other. Walking is proven to reduce anxiety, and walking outdoors has been shown to increase the meditative state. High-conflict couples may benefit from just walking without discussion as a way to share space. Couples could also use walking to hold more challenging conversations, paying attention to anxious feelings in the body and walking through the discomfort before reacting to it.

• Spoon-Breathing. Even as infants laying on our caretakers’ chests, our physiological systems respond to the rhythm of another person’s heartbeat and breath with synchronicity. In early days of dating, many couples find themselves laying side-by-side and co-regulating their breath. Spooning, foreheads touching, or laying back-to-back, relax enough to sync-up your breath for as long as it’s comfortable, feeling your partner’s body and energy alongside yours.

• Sensation play (sexual and non-sexual). Using props with different textures (think feathers, chains, ice, hot wax, fingertips, etc.) ask your partner for consent to touch where it feels pleasurable and safe. Pay attention to their reactions, ask exploratory questions, and check-in with how they are feeling. When it’s your turn to be touched, focus on the sensation of touch and communicate for more or less as desired. Negotiate clothing, sexual intention, and off-limit areas of the body before beginning play. This activity does not imply sexual intimacy and should be consensual the entire time.

Consider these mindfulness tips to help you generate more presence in your intimate relationships! If you need additional support in getting started, Embrace Sexual Wellness can help!

Meeting your Partner's Partner: What to expect when you meet a metamour?

Metamour is a term relating to non-monogamy that refers to your partner’s partner. Whether or not you’re interested in meeting your metamour(s) is a personal decision for each individual and each polycule. Wanting or not wanting to meet a metamour are both valid decisions. That being said, consider practicing some self-reflection either way about the motivations behind your decision. If you do want to meet a metamour is it, for instance, because you want to exert control over their relationship with your partner? If you don’t want to meet them, is that discomfort rooted in insecurity or anxiety about your relationship? Knowing your motivations will provide you more insight into where your boundaries and comfort zone lie. Additionally, familiarizing yourself with your motivations can allow you the space to share and process those feelings with your partner so everyone is on the same page. For those who are interested in meeting a metamour, this article will serve as a guide for what to expect and address common concerns about meeting a metamour. 

As intimidating as the idea of meeting a partner’s partner is, the great news is that you already have something in common: caring about your partner! Furthermore, one of the most useful parts of meeting a metamour for many non-monogamous people, especially those who struggle with jealousy, meeting a metamour is one of the best ways to disrupt the idealization of them in your head that often makes them feel more threatening to you. Meeting them humanizes them.

Regardless of how secure you feel in your relationship, meeting a metamour for the first time is almost always nerve wracking. Here are some tips to make it as comfortable as possible for everyone involved:

1. Meet in a neutral location like a cafe or a park rather than someone’s home so that no one has the “home advantage.” 

2. Have an idea of how much time you’d like to spend with your metamour. Nothing has to be scheduled in stone, but having an idea of when you’ll part ways to process the meeting might help soothe your nerves and avoid awkwardness around the departure. 

3. Make plans with your partner both to talk about how the meeting went and, separately, something fun you can do together to nurture your connection.

4. Understand that your metamour is probably just as nervous as you and, if it would assuage your nerves, you can express that nervousness upfront. For example, you could say something like “Hi, I’m so glad we’re finally meeting! Full disclosure I’m feeling a bit nervous but I’m excited to sit down and get to know you better.”

5. Think about what relationship logistics you want to talk about with your metamour. You’re not obligated to do so but if you want to talk about things like safer sex practices, boundaries, and needs, you should plan what you want to express ahead of time so you can do it as reasonably and respectfully as possible.

There are a variety of possibilities for how your relationship with your metamour will develop, if at all, beyond the first meeting. You might end up best friends, or maybe just coexist peacefully and separately. The most important part is that everyone involved is communicating openly about their needs and boundaries. There is no one size fits all way to navigate this so if you’re being transparent with one another, you have the tools to tailor the experience to your specific dynamic.