What Is Non-Monogamy and Open Relationships? How to Know if They're Right for You

In the world of relationships, there are many different ways people choose to connect with each other. One model of relationship that has been gaining attention is non-monogamy, which includes various forms of open relationships. But what does it mean to be in a non-monogamous or open relationship, and how do you know if it’s the right choice for you and your partner? In this blog, we’ll explore the basics of non-monogamy, its different types, the benefits and challenges, and how to determine whether this relationship style could work for you.

What Is Non-Monogamy?

Non-monogamy is a broad term that refers to any relationship structure where people have consensual sexual or romantic relationships with more than one person at the same time. It contrasts with monogamy, which typically refers to exclusive romantic or sexual relationships between two people.

Non-monogamous relationships can take many forms, each with its own unique rules and boundaries. The key element is that all parties involved are aware of and agree to the arrangement, and that communication and consent are central to the relationship.

Types of Non-Monogamy and Open Relationships

Non-monogamy is not a one-size-fits-all category. There are several different types, each with its own nuances and practices:

Open Relationships

This is the most commonly recognized form of non-monogamy. In an open relationship, one or both partners agree that they can engage in sexual or romantic encounters with other people outside of the primary relationship. The level of openness can vary depending on the couple’s agreements—some may only allow sexual encounters, while others may also allow emotional connections. Open relationships require clear communication and honesty to maintain trust and respect.

Polyamory

Polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy where people have multiple romantic relationships at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Unlike open relationships, where the focus may primarily be on sexual connections with others, polyamory is more about forming deep emotional and romantic bonds with more than one person.

Swinging

Swinging typically involves couples who engage in sexual activities with other couples or individuals, often as part of a shared experience. This form of non-monogamy is more focused on sexual exploration and tends to emphasize physical experiences over emotional connections with others.

Relationship Anarchy

Relationship anarchy is a non-hierarchical approach to relationships where no one relationship is seen as more important than another. In this framework, people are free to form relationships based on mutual respect, consent, and desire, without being constrained by traditional labels or societal expectations.

Benefits of Non-Monogamy

While non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, it does offer some unique benefits for those who find it fulfilling. Here are a few reasons why some people opt for non-monogamous relationships:

Increased Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment

Non-monogamy can provide opportunities for sexual and emotional exploration that may not be met in a traditional monogamous relationship. People in non-monogamous relationships may experience greater sexual freedom or find that they connect with others in ways that expand their emotional intimacy.

Personal Growth and Freedom

Non-monogamous relationships can offer individuals a greater sense of autonomy and personal freedom. People may feel less pressured to meet all of their partner's needs, recognizing that different relationships can fulfill different aspects of their lives.

Diversity of Experiences

Being open to multiple relationships allows individuals to experience a range of people, dynamics, and lifestyles. Some people find that this variety enriches their personal and social lives, creating deeper connections and expanding their worldview.

Breaking Free from Societal Expectations

Non-monogamy can challenge traditional notions of relationship dynamics, allowing people to break free from cultural norms about what love, commitment, and partnership “should” look like. It can provide space to create a relationship structure that feels right for the individuals involved, rather than one that conforms to external pressures.

Challenges of Non-Monogamy

While non-monogamy offers many benefits, it also comes with its own set of challenges that require careful consideration. It’s essential to be aware of these potential obstacles before deciding if this relationship style is right for you:

Jealousy and Insecurity

Even in the most open and trusting relationships, feelings of jealousy and insecurity can arise. It’s important to be prepared to address these emotions honestly and openly with your partner(s). Developing emotional resilience and healthy coping strategies is crucial in non-monogamous relationships.

Communication Overload

Open communication is the cornerstone of any successful non-monogamous relationship. This means being transparent about your needs, desires, boundaries, and emotions. For some, maintaining constant communication with multiple partners can become emotionally taxing or overwhelming.

Time and Energy Management

Non-monogamous relationships can demand significant time and energy. Juggling multiple relationships requires careful scheduling and attention, which may feel difficult if one or more partners have busy lives.

Social Stigma and Judgment

Non-monogamous relationships are still often misunderstood or stigmatized in many societies. People in open relationships may face judgment or criticism from friends, family, or coworkers who adhere to more traditional relationship models.

Complexity in Boundaries

With multiple partners or connections, the lines between sexual and emotional boundaries can sometimes blur. It’s important to regularly check in with yourself and others to ensure that everyone is comfortable with the arrangements and that no one feels hurt or neglected.

Is Non-Monogamy Right for Us?

So, how do you know if non-monogamy or an open relationship is the right choice for you? Here are a few factors to consider:

Communication Skills

Are you and your partner(s) comfortable having open, honest, and sometimes difficult conversations about your needs, desires, and boundaries? Strong communication is the foundation of any successful non-monogamous arrangement.

Trust and Security

Non-monogamy requires a high level of trust. Are you able to trust your partner(s) and feel secure in your connection, even when they are involved with other people?

Emotional Resilience

Are you capable of managing your emotions—especially feelings of jealousy or insecurity—when they arise? Emotional maturity is essential in non-monogamous relationships.

Openness to New Experiences

Are you both open-minded and willing to experiment with different relationship dynamics? Non-monogamy may require you to step out of your comfort zone and embrace change.

Respect for Boundaries

Both you and your partner(s) need to be committed to respecting each other’s boundaries and creating agreements that work for everyone involved. Clear boundaries and mutual respect are key to maintaining healthy non-monogamous relationships.

If you and your partner(s) are aligned in your desires and values, non-monogamy can be a fulfilling and enriching experience. However, it’s important to remember that there’s no one “right” way to love or connect with others, and what works for one person or couple might not be the best choice for someone else.

TLDR

Non-monogamy and open relationships are alternative ways of experiencing romantic and sexual connections, and they offer a different kind of freedom and exploration that many people find fulfilling. However, they also require a high level of emotional intelligence, communication, and mutual respect to be successful. Before deciding whether non-monogamy is right for you, take the time to reflect on your values, desires, and relationship goals, and have open conversations with your partner(s) to ensure you are all on the same page.

Ultimately, the most important thing is to create a relationship dynamic that works for you and your partner(s)—whether that’s monogamy, non-monogamy, or something in between. Relationships are unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all model for success.

4 Myths About Consensual Non-Monogamy Debunked

Non-monogamy is an umbrella term for relationships in which partners consent to engaging in romantic and/or sexual relationships with multiple people unlike cheating which is non-consensual. There are many subtypes of relationships that fall under this umbrella including open relationships, relationship anarchy, and throuples. People practice non-monogamy for reasons that are as unique as each individual. A few examples are sexual fulfillment, a desire for new experiences, or beliefs and value systems.

How common is consensual non-monogamy? Why is it so misunderstood?

Non-monogamy is more common than most people think. Findings suggest at least 5% of Americans are currently in a non-monogamous relationship, while about 21% of Americans report having been in a non-monogamous relationship at some point in their lives. Unfortunately, within a mononormative society, non-monogamy tends to be a misunderstood practice. This article aims to dispel some of the myths surrounding non-monogamy which perpetuates unfair stigma.     

Misconceptions About Consensual Non-Monogamy

Myth: Non-monogamy is a free for all and normalizes cheating.

When practiced ethically, non-monogamy is not the same as cheating because everyone involved is knowingly consenting to the arrangement. Cheating is when a person in a relationship unilaterally makes a decision to break an agreement they have made with their partner so it is not the same. Furthermore, many non-monogamous relationships do have boundaries like monogamous relationships do, they just differ in contents. Note that it is important to note the difference between boundaries and rules; in short, boundaries dictate your own behavior (if you do x, I will do x), while rules attempt to control the other person’s behavior (you may not do x). 

Myth: People in non-monogamous relationships do not experience jealousy.

Jealousy is a natural, morally neutral human emotion. Non-monogamous relationships often bring up jealousy primarily because they go against social conditioning. When you have been told your whole life that true love and commitment can only exist between two people, it makes sense to feel jealous when you are trying to operate differently. It is okay to feel jealous, but non-monogamous people often have to do work to unlearn their conditioning to mitigate jealousy. Even the most experienced non-monogamous people grapple with jealousy sometimes and the key to making non-monogamy work is how you handle jealousy. With communication, self-reflection, and teamwork, jealousy is absolutely a navigable obstacle.    

Myth: Non-monogamy is for promiscuous people who do not want to commit.

Commitment is not defined by exclusivity. Commitment is about making promises and following through with action to nurture and build a relationship, whatever that means to the people within it. That is entirely possible in a non-monogamous context. Non-monogamous people are not commitment-averse, they are often multi-committed. 

Myth: Non-monogamous relationships are unhealthy.

As a relationship structure, non-monogamous relationships - similarly to monogamous relationships - are as healthy as the people practicing it. Some characteristics of a healthy relationship are trust, openness, boundaries, and mutual respect, all of which are possible to achieve within a non-monogamous context. 

Takeaway 

Non-monogamy is a valid form of relationship that is not inherently better or worse than monogamy. Unfortunately, misinformation about it perpetuates stigma and harmful myths. At the end of the day, it is up to each individual to determine what relationship structure works best for them and that choice is not a reflection of morality. If you are trying to determine what type of relationship makes the most sense for you, consider seeking professional help from a trained therapist. There are resources below for further learning about non-monogamy.   

Resources for Further Learning

• The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton 

• More than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert

• ConsciousPolyamory.org

• MoreThanTwo.com

• alt.poly 

• Unmarried.org

• Poly.land

• Polysecure by Jessica Fern and Eve Rickert

• The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola 

• When Someone You Love Is Polyamorous: Understanding Poly People and Relationships by Elisabeth Sheff

Meeting your Partner's Partner: What to expect when you meet a metamour?

Metamour is a term relating to non-monogamy that refers to your partner’s partner. Whether or not you’re interested in meeting your metamour(s) is a personal decision for each individual and each polycule. Wanting or not wanting to meet a metamour are both valid decisions. That being said, consider practicing some self-reflection either way about the motivations behind your decision. If you do want to meet a metamour is it, for instance, because you want to exert control over their relationship with your partner? If you don’t want to meet them, is that discomfort rooted in insecurity or anxiety about your relationship? Knowing your motivations will provide you more insight into where your boundaries and comfort zone lie. Additionally, familiarizing yourself with your motivations can allow you the space to share and process those feelings with your partner so everyone is on the same page. For those who are interested in meeting a metamour, this article will serve as a guide for what to expect and address common concerns about meeting a metamour. 

As intimidating as the idea of meeting a partner’s partner is, the great news is that you already have something in common: caring about your partner! Furthermore, one of the most useful parts of meeting a metamour for many non-monogamous people, especially those who struggle with jealousy, meeting a metamour is one of the best ways to disrupt the idealization of them in your head that often makes them feel more threatening to you. Meeting them humanizes them.

Regardless of how secure you feel in your relationship, meeting a metamour for the first time is almost always nerve wracking. Here are some tips to make it as comfortable as possible for everyone involved:

1. Meet in a neutral location like a cafe or a park rather than someone’s home so that no one has the “home advantage.” 

2. Have an idea of how much time you’d like to spend with your metamour. Nothing has to be scheduled in stone, but having an idea of when you’ll part ways to process the meeting might help soothe your nerves and avoid awkwardness around the departure. 

3. Make plans with your partner both to talk about how the meeting went and, separately, something fun you can do together to nurture your connection.

4. Understand that your metamour is probably just as nervous as you and, if it would assuage your nerves, you can express that nervousness upfront. For example, you could say something like “Hi, I’m so glad we’re finally meeting! Full disclosure I’m feeling a bit nervous but I’m excited to sit down and get to know you better.”

5. Think about what relationship logistics you want to talk about with your metamour. You’re not obligated to do so but if you want to talk about things like safer sex practices, boundaries, and needs, you should plan what you want to express ahead of time so you can do it as reasonably and respectfully as possible.

There are a variety of possibilities for how your relationship with your metamour will develop, if at all, beyond the first meeting. You might end up best friends, or maybe just coexist peacefully and separately. The most important part is that everyone involved is communicating openly about their needs and boundaries. There is no one size fits all way to navigate this so if you’re being transparent with one another, you have the tools to tailor the experience to your specific dynamic.