Gender

, ,

4 Ways to Support Your Child Through Gender Exploration

, ,

Children begin to develop their innate sense of gender identity between the ages of 3 to 5 so it makes sense to start thinking about how to support them early on. Gender identity is one’s internal sense of gender, whether that’s woman, man, neither, or both. For most people, gender identity aligns with their sex assigned at birth but for some, like transgender and non-binary people, this is not the case. Gender expression is the outward presentation, via behavior, appearance, and other characteristics, of one’s internal sense of gender. Both identity and presentation are rife for exploration from a young age and it’s important to a young person’s development to have a strong support network. It’s okay to not know exactly what that might entail which is why we created this guide to get you started.

1) Create a safe, judgment-free, validating environment for gender exploration

Make it both explicitly and implicitly (through behavior) clear that your child can come to you with any questions or concerns about gender without fear of repercussion. Aside from explicitly telling them this, you will convey acceptance by “showing not telling” in how you treat others. Furthermore, adults sometimes have a tendency not to believe children about gender questioning because they’re “too young” but doing so will only alienate them from you. Validate their thoughts, questions, and concerns, and if you’re feeling out of your depth, consider consulting a psychologist if that’s financially feasible for you.

2) Teach your child how to respect others’ gender identity

This is an important step regardless of your child’s gender identity/presentation. That being said, it’s extra important if your child is displaying signs of not aligning with their sex at birth because it teaches them both how to respect others, and how others should be respecting them. Some examples of teaching your child to respect others’ gender are:

  • Introduce yourself with pronouns to encourage others to share theirs while in front of your child. With people you have an established relationship with, it may be appropriate to directly ask for their pronouns. However, with strangers, you don’t know if doing so puts them in an uncomfortable position by forcing them to out themselves or by them intentionally telling you the wrong pronouns (misgendering themselves) to avoid outing themselves in front of others.

  • Talking to your child about the idea that all gender expression is valid, regardless of whether or not it aligns with our idea of what someone of that gender “should” look like

  • Gently correct people when they misgender someone you know, and teach your child how to do so as well

  • Teach them about and debunk gender stereotypes, such as the idea that only women should cook and only men should be breadwinners

3) Introduce them to diverse media

4) If financially feasible, consider seeing a psychologist

  • If you’re feeling unequipped to assist your child in their exploration, the best thing you can do is give them tools to help. One such tool is finding a child psychologist, preferably specializing in gender. This person can be a resource not only for your child, but for you too, and they can give more specific advice for supporting your child.

By reading this article, you’ve already taken a step towards being a supportive of your child’s gender exploration. It’s okay to feel unequipped or unsure - gender is ambiguous and confusing even for the most expert among us. The most important part is making sure you cultivate an accepting and validating environment because if your child can’t even talk to you about their concerns, your involvement in their exploration has ended before it’s even begun.   

, ,

3 Ways to Support a Friend or Family Member Who is Using New Pronouns

, ,

Using someone’s correct pronouns* is a sign of basic respect. Therefore, it is vital to make every effort to use pronouns correctly. It can be tricky to acclimate when someone you care about changes what pronouns they use. It’s important to note that no one expects perfection so if you do use the incorrect pronoun, that’s okay as long as you’re making the effort to be respectful. When a loved one does share a pronoun change, refer to the following tips to help you navigate the conversation and be as supportive as possible. 

1. Thank them for sharing their full self with you. It's not always easy to be vulnerable and share your full self, even with loved ones. Let them know you still love them unconditionally. Remember, your initial reaction may influence their desire to share vulnerable information with you in the future. As for how to best support them aside from using their new pronouns, ask! Every person will need something different but the most important thing you can do is make the effort to use their new pronouns.   

2. Practice their pronouns! The more you practice, the easier it'll become to use them naturally. You should practice their pronouns in both speaking and writing. For speaking, you can either speak aloud to yourself or meet up with someone else. For writing, you could try writing a story about the person with new pronouns. If you practice with these methods and still struggle to switch over, reflect on why it feels difficult. A common obstacle is trying to reconceptualize the person in context with their new pronouns when you’ve thought of them in an entirely different way previously. If this is the case, you might have some more reading to do in order to unlearn this binary framework.    

3. When you mess up, apologize quickly, correct yourself, and continue the conversation. Don't drag on your apology or make excuses. Making it a big deal is uncomfortable for everyone involved. The above steps let them know you are trying!

It can be scary to make a change like this because of course you don’t want to mess up and hurt your loved one. Try to give yourself some grace in this regard; it is hard to make a change to something that you may not already spend conscious effort considering. The only way to make this change is with practice. When you consider how much practice you’ve had referring to this person with their previous pronouns, it makes sense that it takes lots of practice to undo it! Be patient with yourself, and soon it will become second nature. 

If you want to learn more about pronouns and proper usage, here are some great resources:


*The term “correct pronouns” is used instead of “preferred pronouns” because someone’s stated pronouns are not a preference, they are a requirement.

, ,

Halloween costumes aren’t gender-specific

, ,

Spiderman or ballerina? Knight or princess? Ken or Barbie?... All of the above? 

Halloween costumes overwhelmingly adhere to the gender binary. From childhood, this expectation is ingrained in our minds and places inherent limitations on self-expression. Though much progress has been made over the past fifty years in terms of shifting views on gender roles and expectations, the binary still dictates how Western society functions. This carries over to the smallest of things, like Halloween costumes. Even though this may seem insignificant, Adie Nelson explains in their article “The Pink Dragon is Female: Halloween Costumes and Gender Markers” that “...the non-inclusive language commonly found in the names of many children’s Halloween costumes reverberates throughout many other dimensions of the gendered social life depicted in this fantastical world. For example, the importance of participation in the paid-work world and financial success for men and of physical attractiveness and marriage for women is reinforced through costume names that reference masculine costumes by occupational roles or titles but describe feminine costumes via appearance and/or relationships (e.g. “Policeman” vs. “Beautiful Bride”)” (Nelson 2000). 

The issue with enforcing expected gender roles by insisting on a “gender aligned” Halloween costume for your child is that it imposes arbitrary, unproductive stereotypes on them before they’ve even gotten the chance to think beyond them. It disallows a child’s natural inclination to explore themselves and their relationship to the world. It’s important to make children feel that whoever they are and whatever they like, you will celebrate their identity. The idea is not to get rid of the idea of gender entirely but to take steps to ensure that the gender binary doesn’t limit your child. Allow your child the space to decide if they want to wear a costume that does not align with their gender identity, or one that is gender neutral. Keep in mind, “Gender neutral” doesn’t necessarily mean unisex, either. If that’s what your child wants, then great! But taking a gender neutral approach to Halloween costumes means allowing your child to wear whatever they’d like regardless of the gendered association with it. Letting your child choose a Halloween costume regardless of binary perceptions and associations is a great first step towards this.  

It's important to acknowledge that though the gender binary is impractical and inaccurate, the reality is that it is still very much enmeshed in the fabric of Western society. With that being said, it’s not unthinkable that a child defying gender expectations would receive backlash from peers. All children in our society are exposed to the idea that gender roles are rigid. However, there's no need to make your child conform to protect them from that backlash. More often then not, when presented with new information, children are able to adapt. Instead, empower your child to stand up to peers and share their knowledge of gender beyond the binary. If you still experience concern, advocate for your child. Speak to their teachers and parents of their friends. Instead of making your child conform, work on making their environment safer for them to explore their gender identity."

At the end of the day, Halloween should be a fun, celebratory occasion. If your child doesn’t get to feel like themself, they might not be able to enjoy it as much. If you’re in need of some inspiration, some very cute anecdotal examples of gender defying Halloween costumes can be found here. 

Resources for gender-conscious parenting:

5 Tips for Preventing and Reducing Gender Bias — Making Caring Common

You Don't Have To Swear Off Pink And Blue To Raise A Kid Without Gender Norms 

The Corporate Masquerade: Branding Masculinity through Halloween Costumes

Halloween Costumes and Gender Markers   

How Halloween costumes can promote gender bias

as seen in