Family

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4 Ways to Support Your Child Through Gender Exploration

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Children begin to develop their innate sense of gender identity between the ages of 3 to 5 so it makes sense to start thinking about how to support them early on. Gender identity is one’s internal sense of gender, whether that’s woman, man, neither, or both. For most people, gender identity aligns with their sex assigned at birth but for some, like transgender and non-binary people, this is not the case. Gender expression is the outward presentation, via behavior, appearance, and other characteristics, of one’s internal sense of gender. Both identity and presentation are rife for exploration from a young age and it’s important to a young person’s development to have a strong support network. It’s okay to not know exactly what that might entail which is why we created this guide to get you started.

1) Create a safe, judgment-free, validating environment for gender exploration

Make it both explicitly and implicitly (through behavior) clear that your child can come to you with any questions or concerns about gender without fear of repercussion. Aside from explicitly telling them this, you will convey acceptance by “showing not telling” in how you treat others. Furthermore, adults sometimes have a tendency not to believe children about gender questioning because they’re “too young” but doing so will only alienate them from you. Validate their thoughts, questions, and concerns, and if you’re feeling out of your depth, consider consulting a psychologist if that’s financially feasible for you.

2) Teach your child how to respect others’ gender identity

This is an important step regardless of your child’s gender identity/presentation. That being said, it’s extra important if your child is displaying signs of not aligning with their sex at birth because it teaches them both how to respect others, and how others should be respecting them. Some examples of teaching your child to respect others’ gender are:

  • Introduce yourself with pronouns to encourage others to share theirs while in front of your child. With people you have an established relationship with, it may be appropriate to directly ask for their pronouns. However, with strangers, you don’t know if doing so puts them in an uncomfortable position by forcing them to out themselves or by them intentionally telling you the wrong pronouns (misgendering themselves) to avoid outing themselves in front of others.

  • Talking to your child about the idea that all gender expression is valid, regardless of whether or not it aligns with our idea of what someone of that gender “should” look like

  • Gently correct people when they misgender someone you know, and teach your child how to do so as well

  • Teach them about and debunk gender stereotypes, such as the idea that only women should cook and only men should be breadwinners

3) Introduce them to diverse media

4) If financially feasible, consider seeing a psychologist

  • If you’re feeling unequipped to assist your child in their exploration, the best thing you can do is give them tools to help. One such tool is finding a child psychologist, preferably specializing in gender. This person can be a resource not only for your child, but for you too, and they can give more specific advice for supporting your child.

By reading this article, you’ve already taken a step towards being a supportive of your child’s gender exploration. It’s okay to feel unequipped or unsure - gender is ambiguous and confusing even for the most expert among us. The most important part is making sure you cultivate an accepting and validating environment because if your child can’t even talk to you about their concerns, your involvement in their exploration has ended before it’s even begun.   

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4 Things to Consider Before Moving in Together

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Moving in with a partner or partner(s) is a big step which can be equally scary and exciting. The best way to ensure the most comfortable arrangement for everyone involved is to carefully consider all the implications of living together. This is a guide to help you cover all your bases when figuring out this important decision. 

Assessing If You’re Ready

There’s no definitive timeline that will suit every relationship so it’s important to take stock of all the factors involved. Some important considerations are:

  1. Are your schedules compatible? 

  2. Are there reasons to move in together aside from financial necessity? 

  3. Have you ever cohabited for limited amounts of time? How was that experience? What were some points of tension? 

  4. Are you ready to voluntarily surrender part of your independence now that your lives will be more entangled? 

  5. If the relationship is non-monogamous, how will that fit into sharing a living space?

Personal Space 

Living with someone else means a lot of shared time together. Some people enjoy being with their partner most of the time, but others need more time to themselves. These questions can help decide how you will create personal space within a shared home: 

  1. How much personal space do you need on a regular basis? How will you make space when you're in the same house/apartment? 

  2. Personal time is essential for self-care and you will need to negotiate new boundaries around personal time when you live together. Here are some ways to navigate conversations about needing some space.  

  3. Do you need your own physical corner or space in the living quarters? If so, where are those and what are the boundaries around them?

Maintenance of a shared space 

The way you keep your space might not feel like a big deal immediately, but it can cause a lot of problems if you each prefer to keep your things in drastically different ways. For example, someone who is very neat and tidy may start to feel resentment if their partner has piles of clothes on the floor. Conversely, someone who is a little messier may feel annoyed by a partner who keeps asking them to pick up their things. Here are some questions to consider about maintenance: 

  1. How do you like to keep your space? Are you tidy/messy? How do you feel about living with someone who may keep their space differently from you? 

  2. How can you delegate chores and hold each other accountable? 

Communication

What communication skills do you have in place with your partner to discuss problems as they arise? Living together can bring up a lot of new feelings or issues that weren't there previously. How will you work on them together as a team? There will be a learning curve to trying something new. Try to be patient with each other while you navigate new obstacles together.

This is an exciting adventure in your relationship that you get to go on together! It’s important to commit to be honest, kind, and patient with one another to make your transition as easy as possible. If you need extra support through this process, relationship therapy is a great option. For those in Illinois, Embrace Sexual Wellness can help!

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3 Ways to Support a Friend or Family Member Who is Using New Pronouns

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Using someone’s correct pronouns* is a sign of basic respect. Therefore, it is vital to make every effort to use pronouns correctly. It can be tricky to acclimate when someone you care about changes what pronouns they use. It’s important to note that no one expects perfection so if you do use the incorrect pronoun, that’s okay as long as you’re making the effort to be respectful. When a loved one does share a pronoun change, refer to the following tips to help you navigate the conversation and be as supportive as possible. 

1. Thank them for sharing their full self with you. It's not always easy to be vulnerable and share your full self, even with loved ones. Let them know you still love them unconditionally. Remember, your initial reaction may influence their desire to share vulnerable information with you in the future. As for how to best support them aside from using their new pronouns, ask! Every person will need something different but the most important thing you can do is make the effort to use their new pronouns.   

2. Practice their pronouns! The more you practice, the easier it'll become to use them naturally. You should practice their pronouns in both speaking and writing. For speaking, you can either speak aloud to yourself or meet up with someone else. For writing, you could try writing a story about the person with new pronouns. If you practice with these methods and still struggle to switch over, reflect on why it feels difficult. A common obstacle is trying to reconceptualize the person in context with their new pronouns when you’ve thought of them in an entirely different way previously. If this is the case, you might have some more reading to do in order to unlearn this binary framework.    

3. When you mess up, apologize quickly, correct yourself, and continue the conversation. Don't drag on your apology or make excuses. Making it a big deal is uncomfortable for everyone involved. The above steps let them know you are trying!

It can be scary to make a change like this because of course you don’t want to mess up and hurt your loved one. Try to give yourself some grace in this regard; it is hard to make a change to something that you may not already spend conscious effort considering. The only way to make this change is with practice. When you consider how much practice you’ve had referring to this person with their previous pronouns, it makes sense that it takes lots of practice to undo it! Be patient with yourself, and soon it will become second nature. 

If you want to learn more about pronouns and proper usage, here are some great resources:


*The term “correct pronouns” is used instead of “preferred pronouns” because someone’s stated pronouns are not a preference, they are a requirement.

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