5 Tips for Effective Communication in Marriage

Marriage takes work. There’s always room for improvement and that starts with clear, honest communication. Strong communication is one of the tenets of any healthy relationship. Like most things worth doing though, it can be challenging. Here are five tips for effective communication in a marriage. 

1. Be proactive in getting your needs met. Your partner isn’t a mind reader, and in order to have a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship, you must consistently check in to make sure that needs are being met. The longer it’s drawn out or avoided, all the more likely that resentment will grow and the topic at hand becomes that much more difficult to address.

2. Speak from the “I” perspective. You can only speak from your own experience. Using the “I” perspective helps avoid coming across as attacking someone and they may get defensive.  

3. Avoid making assumptions. It can be easy to get caught up in our own feelings, especially when they’re intense, and sometimes that leads to making unfair assumptions about someone’s intentions or behaviors. Assumptions present an additional obstacle to productive communication because before the to

4. Make yourself a safe person to criticize or say no to. If your partner(s) fear retribution or a negative reaction from you as a result of receiving constructive feedback or being told no, they may be disincentivized to consistently communicate. It’s okay to be upset or have negative feelings, but it’s not okay to take it out on your partner.

5. Seek couples therapy if you feel stuck. If you struggle to figure out how to communicate effectively, or if you end up in a stalemate despite your best efforts, therapists like those at Embrace Sexual Wellness can be great facilitators for improved communication.

Communication is hard so try not to get discouraged if you’re struggling with it. Give yourself and your partner(s) the grace to make mistakes and to not get it right on the first try every time. For previous Embrace Sexual Wellness articles on communication, you can check here and here. 

Additional resources 

• Top 5 Communication Exercises for Couples to Grow Closer

• Communication in marriage is a skill you can learn

• Communication Exercises to Improve Your Relationship

The 4 Attachment Styles in Relationships

Attachment styles are how each of us reacts to our needs and how we get them met. They are established in early childhood through various experiences that then influence and produce similar patterns throughout one’s entire life. The four types are secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. It’s important to note that while these labels provide helpful guides to understanding yourself and others, they might not fit perfectly and they are not a rigid, unflinching analyses of one’s behavior and mindset.

Secure 

Secure adults tend to feel secure in their relationships, as the name might suggest. Their relationships are often honest, open, and independent. As children, secure adults likely had a caregiver who served as a reliable figure as they tested independence. This feeling of security in the relationship allows for independence and connectedness simultaneously. They tend to hold a positive self-image and positive image of others.

Anxious-Preoccupied 

Anxious-preoccupied attachments are defined by uncertainty in relationships, which often means that instead of love and trust, someone is in a frequent state of emotional hunger. Emotional hunger is a “condition of pain and longing which people often act out in a desperate attempt to fill a void or emptiness.” Instead of an equitable relationship, anxious attachment adults seek a feeling of security by trying to find a partner to complete or rescue them. Despite this desire, they may exhibit behaviors that push away the people they love which are often motivated by fear and insecurity. They tend to have a negative self-image and positive image of others. 

Dismissive-Avoidant

Dismissive-avoidant attached adults may be emotionally distant and attempt to “parent” themselves. They keep loved ones at an arm’s length and respond to stressors by shutting down. They tend to have a positive self-image and negative image of others. 

Fearful-Avoidant

Fearful-avoidant attachments exist in a state of limbo, simultaneously fearful of being too close to and too distant from others. Their volatility gets in the way of intimacy, and clouds their ability to let others in. Their moods are overwhelming and unpredictable. They may have a negative self-image and negative image of others. 

Learning more about yourself and your partner(s) is always helpful for understanding each other. When you can identify your behavioral tendencies, and can communicate them to the people around you, it is easier to get along and have greater insight into one another’s mindsets. If you’re concerned about your attachment style, consider making an appointment with a therapist at Embrace Sexual Wellness. 

Learn more about attachment styles 

• The Different Types of Attachment Styles 

• How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship | Psychology Today 

• The Four Attachment Styles of Love 

• Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process

• Attachment Styles, View of Self and Negative Affect

• Which of These Four Attachment Styles Is Yours? - Scientific American 

• Attached by Amir Levine 

• The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen

3 Steps For Setting Sexual Wellness Intentions

Happy 2022! After the trials and tribulations of the last few years, it’s more important than ever to intentionally focus on one’s wellness to avoid burnout. Around the new year, there are frequent conversations about transformation and resolution setting. Before diving into how to set sexual wellness intentions for the new year, it’s important to preface that if resolution-setting doesn’t help you, there is nothing wrong with not doing so. Just staying afloat in chronically stressful societal conditions is a feat in and of itself so if that’s all you have the capacity for, that is more than enough. For those who are yes to sexual wellness goals for the new year, here are 3 steps that can help guide your intention setting.

1. Understand what sexual wellness is and what it looks like for you
Before jumping in, it is important to understand what sexual wellness is. 

What is sexual wellness? 
Sexual wellness is emotional and physical satisfaction with regard to one’s sexuality and sexual life. Goals around sexual wellness can be oriented toward one’s sexual relationship with themselves, or with others. Intentionality is an important part of cultivating sexual wellness and forces perpetual self-reevaluation of boundaries and desires. This knowledge is key to reaching sexual wellness goals.

2. Reflect on your current sexual wellness; what is working and what could be improved

Before setting your intentions, it is a good idea to gauge the current status of your sexual wellness and identify areas where you are already satisfied and areas where you’d like to improve. Use these questions to guide your self-reflection:

Questions for reflecting on your sexual wellness

• Are you generally satisfied with your current sex life? What do you enjoy about it? What, if anything, do you dislike about it or wish was different? 

• Do you have shame around sex and/or your appearance? Where does it come from? How does it affect your sex life, if at all? 

• Are you affected by any sexual trauma? Is there any part of that trauma that you’d like to process with a therapist before working on sexual wellness intentions? (Note: focusing on addressing trauma can be a sexual wellness intention, too!)

• What sexual activities or relationship dynamics do you want to try out that you haven’t yet? What have you already tried, and what did you learn about yourself from those experiences? 

• If you have sex involving other people, do you trust and like those people? Do they meet your sexual needs? How is your communication about and during sex? 

• Do you already dedicate attention to your own pleasure?

3. Choose your intentions and plan how you’ll achieve them

Once you have a good idea of your sexual needs, boundaries, and desires, use that information to decide what you want your intentions to be. Below is a non-exclusive list of intentions and specific actions you can take to work toward them.

Intention ideas 

-To focus on the journey, not the destination

• Be more present in your body and with your partner

• Make the goal of sex be pleasure and connection rather than orgasm

• Experiment and try out things you’re curious about

-To be honor your needs and your pleasure

• Don’t lie about having an orgasm if you didn’t

• Ask for what you want and need from your partner in sexual encounters

• Don’t leave it to chance; schedule sex and/or masturbation sessions

-To try new things

• Use more “sexcessories” like lubricant and sex toys

• Do more kegels

• Read more erotica 

This is all a starting point to inspire your intention-setting but everyone’s sexual wellness looks different and will need different types of nurturing. Regardless of whether or not you choose to set intentions for the new year, be sure to take care of your overall wellness, including sexual wellness, regardless. Setting sexual wellness intentions can be done on your own or with a partner. You may also want to consider speaking with a sex therapist if you need help with any of the steps above. If you live in Illinois, Embrace Sexual Wellness can help. Contact us HERE.