Navigating Asexual/Allosexual Relationships

Asexuality is an umbrella term for a sexual orientation spectrum unified by the lack of experiencing sexual attraction towards other people. As opposed to celibacy which is a choice to abstain from sex, asexuality is intrinsic like any other sexual orientation. A lack of sexual attraction does not always inherently mean that someone does not experience other forms of attraction like romantic, aesthetic, or sensual. Like any other identity, the way asexuality manifests will vary from individual to individual. Some asexual people still enjoy the act of sex, while others are sex-repulsed. Furthermore, asexuality may be coupled with any type of romantic attraction but not always. Asexuality is a completely valid sexuality and is not to be confused with any dysfunction or fundamental lacking. Being that some asexual people still experience romantic attraction, it’s likely that not every person they will be romantically attracted to will also be asexual. This difference in sexual orientation  has the potential to cause friction in a relationship if it’s not explicitly and intentionally addressed. Here are some ideas for broaching this topic with your partner.

It’s vital for the allosexual (non-asexual) partner(s) to keep in mind that asexuality, like any other sexual orientation, is not a choice. It is never okay to lash out at an asexual person for something they cannot control. Remember, approach this as you and your partner(s) against the problem, not you versus one another. The problem is the mismatch in needs, not the asexual person’s orientation. 

• Evaluate the tangible sexual needs of all partner(s). Before being able to figure out how to make sure everyone’s needs are being fulfilled, you need to understand what those needs are. In Embrace Sexual Wellness’s blog article, “How to Determine and Communicate Boundaries in Relationships” you can find ways to discover and communicate your needs.

• Brainstorm solutions outside of the box. Consider options like ethical non-monogamy, scheduled sex for a guaranteed frequency (if the asexual partner is open to having sex), and nurturing other types of intimacy. 

• Remember, this  can be a tricky situation to navigate for anyone. There is no shame in seeking out help from professionals like the clinicians at Embrace Sexual Wellness. A third party can facilitate a more productive, effective conversation which may be the jumpstart you and your partner(s) need to tackle this challenge.

6 Tips for If You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page About Kids

Compromise is typically a good way to navigate relationship disagreements, but what about when it comes to kids? There’s no way to have half a child or only parent them for half of their life. Being responsible for a human life is a huge decision and navigating disagreement around it is understandably stressful. Hopefully this guide will help you navigate it as effectively as possible. 

• Remember that kids aren’t the answer to your relationship problems

  • Think and talk about the relationship itself. Is it strong and allowing you to grow as a person? Do you feel like your best self in the relationship? If you’re looking to have kids in the hopes it will bring you and your partner together, definitely step back and reconsider both because it will more than likely cause more strain on the relationship.

• Ask yourself the hard questions and then ask each other

  • What are you hoping kids will bring to your life that you don’t experience now? 

  • What are you afraid of if you do have kids? 

  • What happened in your parents’ or caregivers’ marriages after having kids? 

  • Will you feel unfulfilled if you don’t have kids?

  • Will you resent your partner if you do have kids and end up with a responsibility you may not want? 

  • What hesitations do you have about having kids and are there ways to compromise to work around them? 

• Remember that this is you and your partner versus the problem at hand, not you versus your partner

• Avoid ultimatums

  • Ultimatums are no good for anyone. Threats are not the way to make a life changing decision and will only breed resentment. 

• See a professional

  • Some problems are simply too big to tackle yourself and there’s no reason to white knuckle through it. Talking to a therapist like the ones at Embrace Sexual Wellness is a great start to navigating this disagreement. 

• Don’t go in with an agenda; go in with an open mind and open ears

  • If you try to get combative right from the start, it will only create more tension. 

• Recognize when it’s healthier to split ways

  • Breakups usually aren’t easy, especially when they’re not due to a lack of love. Sometimes, you might just be fundamentally incompatible and staying in a relationship like that won’t allow you to get your needs met

  • Sacrificing your happiness is a lose-lose situation. Everyone involved deserves to find happiness and to have their needs met

Resources:

• 8 Tough Truths to Consider When Your Partner Doesn't Want Kids 

• 8 things to do if you and your partner disagree about having kids

• Dear Therapist: My Husband Doesn’t Want Another Kid, so I’m Considering Divorce 

• Ask Polly: My Boyfriend Doesn't Want Kids, But I Think I Do!  

• You Want Kids. Your Partner Doesn't. Can Therapy Help?

Tips for Managing Conflict in Relationships

All relationships at some point will encounter conflict. It takes work to nurture the relationship and work through conflict, but it certainly can be a daunting task. Not everyone is fortunate enough to grow up around role models of healthy relationships which can make navigating relationship conflict even more frustrating. Luckily, relationship conflict is nothing new and there are tons of ways to make it less stressful for you and your partner(s). It’s important to be able to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy conflict management, to understand one’s own emotion regulation capacity, and to communicate effectively and efficiently. No two relationships are made the same so not every tactic will work for every person or dynamic, but there are general principles that have a wide range of applications. Let’s talk about some of them.

Healthy Conflict Vs. Abusive Conflict 

Healthy conflict is when...

• Partners choose words that are respectful and don’t attack a person’s character, call them names, or raise their voice at them. 

• All partners feel safe bringing up issues without fear of retaliation.

• Partners practice active listening and healthy communication techniques (more on those later!). 

• Boundaries are respected. 

• Apologies are genuine and not predicated on excuses or invalidating the recipient’s feelings.

• The goal is to ultimately find the underlying foundational cause of the conflict in order to address the problem at the root.

• All people involved are in a clear, wise minded headspace coming into the argument. 

• Partners are making requests instead of complaints. For example, instead of “you never ask me how my day was when I come home,” you might try something like “hey when my day is over I like to decompress by talking about it. Would you mind making an effort to ask me about it?”.

It may be an abusive conflict if...

• It involves physical harm, emotional manipulation, yelling, name-calling, or personal attacks.

• The conflict surrounds one partner attempting to overly control the other(s) such as disallowing socializing outside the relationship.

• The conflict surrounds a partner’s jealous or possessive behavior. 

• Conflict arises more often than not and the relationship feels like a constant uphill battle full of arguments.

• The same issues come up repeatedly without appropriate behavioral changes being made.  

Communication Tips

• Speak your mind in a timely manner, don’t let resentment build

• Take time outs if needed. When one or multiple partners are in an intense emotional headspace, it’s near impossible to have a productive, effective conversation. Make time to cool down when needed but set a specific time limit for the break, whether that’s minutes, hours, or days, so that the conversation doesn’t accidentally fall by the wayside. 

• Speak from the “I” perspective and avoid making assumptions about the offending person’s intent. For example, instead of “you don’t care about my hobbies,” you might say something like “I feel unappreciated when you neglect to listen to me talk about my hobbies.” 

• Approach the conflict as all partner(s) versus the conflict rather than partner(s) versus partner(s). The goal is to work together to solve the problem, not to create adversity. 

• Practice genuine, reparative apologizing. To learn more about how to do that, check out this Time Magazine article.

• When possible, give the other party/ies the benefit of the doubt. Most people are trying their very best at any given moment. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t hold them accountable or you shouldn’t have your needs met, only that you should do your best to give them grace.

• Figure out what coping tactics work best to regulate your own emotions. Emotion regulation and interpersonal communication skills based in dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) work well for many people.

• Try to prioritize being effective over being right. Sometimes you may need to agree to disagree instead of beating a dead horse and sowing additional discord.

If you incorporate these tips and skills into your conflict management and you still encounter significant obstacles, consider working with a systemically trained relationship therapist like our team of clinicians. Conflict arises in all healthy relationships and does not mean the relationship is doomed. The difference between healthy and abusive relationships in terms of conflict is how it is handled. The better everyone involved understands emotion regulation and conflict management, the more effective conflict management will become. All relationships are a work in progress and luckily, by definition, you don’t need to work on it alone.   

Additional Resources  

• How to Determine and Communicate Boundaries in Relationships

• Resistance and Conflict in DBT 

• How to Apologize to Different People in Your Life

• Emotion Regulation in DBT  

• Conflict resolution 

• 10 Rules for Constructive Conflict

• 7 Tips for Handling Conflict in Your Relationship

• Managing Versus Resolving Conflict 

• 24 Tips for Conflict Resolution in an Intimate Relationship