Sexual Intimacy

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Nurturing Sexual Intimacy: Rediscovering Connection After Cancer Treatment

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Embarking on the journey of a cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment is undoubtedly a challenging road that can impact intimate relationships. The process of re-establishing sexual intimacy after cancer calls for a thoughtful approach—one grounded in understanding, open communication, and patience. In this article, we'll delve deeper into the potential effects of cancer on sexual health, discuss specific resources available, and provide detailed insights on how to approach the gradual process of rebuilding intimacy when the time feels right.

Understanding the Impact of Cancer on Sexual Functioning

Cancer and its treatment introduce physical changes that can significantly affect sexual functioning. Surgical procedures may alter body structures and tissues, and chemotherapy or radiation therapy can induce fatigue, pain, vaginal dryness and hormonal imbalances. Beyond the physical side effects, the emotional toll of a cancer diagnosis, marked by anxiety, depression, and uncertainty, can cast a shadow on libido and overall sexual well-being. It's important for individuals and their partners to grasp the nature of these changes and engage in open communication with healthcare providers, including oncologists, nurses, and specialists to gain valuable insights into managing these challenges effectively.

How do I support my intimate partner during cancer treatment?

Approaching intimacy after cancer treatment requires support from all individuals in a relationship. Here are considerations for the supportive partner:

Open Communication

Open communication serves as the cornerstone of navigating this sensitive terrain. Creating an environment where both partners can freely express their feelings, concerns, and desires is crucial. Encouraging your partner to share their experiences and being attentive to their emotional needs fosters a deeper understanding and connection.

Self-Educate

Taking the initiative to educate yourself about the potential physical and emotional changes resulting from cancer treatment is a proactive step. This knowledge equips you to provide informed support and navigate the journey together, demonstrating a commitment to shared understanding.

Practice Patience

Recognizing that rebuilding intimacy takes time is essential. Being patient with your partner and acknowledging that the process may involve ups and downs is key to fostering a supportive environment. Understanding that your partner's feelings and needs may evolve allows you to adapt your support accordingly, creating a foundation for resilience and growth.

Find your own support

Participating in counseling sessions or support groups as a couple is a collaborative approach that can strengthen the bond between partners. This shared experience enhances communication and provides practical tools to navigate the unique challenges that may arise in the aftermath of cancer treatment. Encouraging your partner to seek guidance from healthcare professionals, therapists, or sexologists who specialize in post-cancer intimacy is a proactive step toward holistic support. Professional guidance can offer tailored strategies and insights to address specific challenges, empowering both partners on the journey of rediscovering intimacy after cancer.

How do we approach intimacy after cancer?

Rebuilding intimacy necessitates a deliberate and patient approach. Open communication serves as the cornerstone of this process, where partners express their feelings, fears, and desires, fostering mutual understanding and empathy. Taking it slow is crucial. Initiating non-sexual forms of physical connection, such as cuddling or holding hands, can create a foundation for rebuilding intimacy at a pace comfortable for each partner.

Exploring sensate focus, a technique employed by sex therapists involves non-demanding, pleasurable touch without the expectation of sexual activity. This approach encourages partners to reconnect on a physical level, fostering a renewed sense of intimacy without the pressure of immediate sexual expectations.

Lastly, educating oneself about the potential physical and emotional changes resulting from cancer treatment is empowering. Understanding these changes reduces anxiety and contributes to a more supportive and empathetic relationship, with resources such as reputable websites, books, and pamphlets provided by healthcare professionals in the Chicagoland area offering valuable insights.

Resources for Cancer Support in Chicagoland

  • American Cancer Society: The American Cancer Society (ACS) is a vital support system for cancer patients, providing easily accessible information on different types of cancer, current treatments, and resources. Through initiatives like Relay For Life and educational programs, ACS promotes cancer awareness and fundraising for research. ACS also offers support services, such as transportation assistance and lodging for patients undergoing treatment. With a focus on community engagement and advocacy, the American Cancer Society plays a crucial role in supporting and empowering individuals affected by cancer.

  • Cancer Treatment Centers of America (CTCA) - Chicago: CTCA is dedicated to cancer care and offers a comprehensive approach to address the physical and emotional aspects of cancer treatment. They provide specialized support services and access to healthcare professionals well-versed in managing the unique challenges of post-cancer intimacy.

  • Cancer Wellness Center: Through supportive care and education, the Cancer Wellness Center seeks to improve the emotional and physical well-being of people affected by cancer. It is located in Northbrook, IL and all of their virtual and in-person programs are offered free of charge. Programs include support groups, counseling/therapy, educational programs, exercise and physical wellness programs, nutritional counseling, mind-body practices, and a resource center.

  • Gilda's Club Chicago: Gilda's Club is a community organization providing support and education to individuals and families impacted by cancer. They offer counseling services, support groups, and educational programs that address the emotional aspects of rebuilding intimacy.

  • National Cancer Institute: The National Cancer Institute (NCI) is a crucial resource for cancer patients, offering easy-to-understand information on various cancers and access to the latest treatments through clinical trials. NCI is dedicated to supporting patients by providing educational materials and promoting cancer prevention initiatives. With a focus on collaboration and patient-centered care, NCI plays a vital role in offering valuable support and fostering hope within the cancer community.

  • Northwestern Medicine Cancer Center - Chicago: Northwestern Medicine's Cancer Center in Chicago is renowned for its multidisciplinary approach to cancer care. The center provides access to oncologists, psychologists, and counselors who can offer guidance on managing the effects of cancer on sexual health.

  • University of Chicago Medicine Comprehensive Cancer Center: This center is a hub for cutting-edge cancer research and treatment. The Comprehensive Cancer Center offers support services and resources to help individuals navigate the challenges of post-cancer intimacy, including counseling and educational programs.

  • Wellness House - Hinsdale: Wellness House provides a variety of programs and services to support individuals and families affected by cancer. Their offerings include counseling, support groups, and educational workshops aimed at addressing the emotional and relational aspects of post-cancer life.

TLDR

Re-establishing intimacy after cancer treatment is a personal journey requiring patience and understanding. Partners can play a crucial role by fostering open communication, educating themselves about post-cancer changes, attending support sessions together, being patient, and encouraging professional guidance. Remember, the path to rebuilding intimacy is gradual, and prioritizing emotional connection lays the foundation for a fulfilling post-cancer sexual relationship.

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

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The Best Sex Positions for Maximum Pleasure

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Sex is often enhanced by variety but there are so many different options for sex positions out there that it can be hard to figure out which ones are worth trying out. While everyone’s sexual exploration journey is unique, this article aims to provide a guide to various sex positions for different contexts, such as penetration, oral sex, and physical accessibility.      

What are the Best Positions for Penetration?

Doggy Style

How: The receiver is on all fours and the giver kneels behind them. 

Benefits: Doggy style is a great option for those looking for deep penetration. It works with vaginal or anal sex. For even more pleasure, the receiver can stimulate their genitals while receiving penetration.  

Cowgirl

How: The giver lies down (either with legs straight out or knees up) while the receiver faces them and straddles their hips. 

Benefits: Cowgirl is great for receivers who want control over the pace, angle, and depth of the penetration. For people with clitorises, cowgirl offers the opportunity to grind or rub the clitoris during penetration.  

G-Whiz

How: The receiver lies on their back with legs up and spread apart, resting on the giver’s shoulders, while the giver kneels in front of them or lays flat on top

Benefits: G-whiz allows for very deep penetration and it is especially good for people with vulvas who enjoy G-spot and cervical stimulation.  

What are the Best Positions for Oral Sex?

Best Positions for Cunnilingus

Lying Back

How: This is the classic cunnilingus position, where the receiver lies down with their knees up and the giver lies down on their stomach with their head between the receiver’s thighs.

Benefits: It is an easy, beginner-friendly position and comfortable for the receiver. A potential drawback is that givers might experience neck pain after awhile; if this is an issue for you, the giver can try propping themself with their elbows and/or a pillow under the chest. 

Kivin Method

How: The receiver lies on their back while the giver lies perpendicular, with the receiver’s bent knee over their neck/shoulder region.

Benefits: The Kivin method is great for full clitoral stimulation and clitoral orgasms.  

Best Positions for Fellatio

Lying Back

How: The receiver lies down with the giver lying stomach-down with their head between the receiver’s legs.

Benefits: A classic for both cunnilingus and fellatio, lying back is a reliable, easy position. As a bonus, if the receiver puts their knees up, the giver can add anal penetration or fondle the testicles.

Fire Hydrant

How: The receiver stands up with the giver on their knees facing the receiver.

Benefits: It is versatile in the sense that the receiver can take control and thrust into the giver’s mouth, or the giver can take control of the pace and depth while the receiver stands still. It also allows for the giver to use their hands to stimulate the genitals. Additionally, the power dynamic of one partner standing and the other on their knees is hot!

What are the Most Accessible Sex Positions?

Modified Missionary

How: As the name suggests, this position is missionary - in which the receiver lies on their back with the giver on top facing them - but with a twist. A pillow or wedge under the receiver’s hips, head/neck, or other places based on your specific needs can alleviate some discomfort. Alternatively, the receiver can lay on their back with their buttocks on the edge of the bed while the giver stands facing them and penetrates them that way.

Benefits: Pillows and wedges can make the position more comfortable for all partners. The alternative method is good for receivers with mobility issues.      

Spooning Position

How: Both partners lie on their sides, facing the same direction, with one’s front pressed up against the other’s back.

Benefits: This is a versatile position, allowing for hand stimulation, grinding, toys, penetration, grinding, or anything else you can imagine! It is also comfortable and allows for a feeling of closeness and intimacy.

The Bottom Line    

Experimenting with sexual positions and learning new things about yourself and your partner(s) can be a fun endeavor. Make sure you explore consensually with ongoing communication. Remember that foreplay and lube can go a long way in enhancing your experience. If you need additional help mixing things up in the bedroom, consider seeking sex therapy. 

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Things to Know If Your Partner Is Asexual (And You Aren’t)

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Asexuality is often a misunderstood sexual orientation. An asexual person does not experience sexual attraction. This does not necessarily mean they do not have sex or do not want a romantic relationship. Asexuality is a spectrum, so some asexual people still have sex for reasons other than attraction, such as enjoying the attention, while others are sex averse and do not want to engage in any form of sex. Distinct from asexuality, aromantic people do not experience romantic attraction or desire. Sometimes asexual people are also aromantic, but not always. Asexual people who do want a romantic relationship may be wary of becoming involved with an allosexual (someone who does experience sexual attraction) due to the mismatch in sexual needs. This article will discuss how to make a mixed-orientation relationship work, because it is possible! 

How to make a relationship work if your partner is asexual (and you aren’t)

Seek mutual understanding

When there is a discrepancy in wants, needs, and experiences between partners, it is important to have an open and honest dialogue about each others’ experiences. For the allosexual partner, understand that asexuality is not a personal jab, nor a choice. For the asexual partner, understand that whether or not sex is an important facet of feeling fulfilled for you, it may be for your partner. Just because someone is asexual does not mean that they never have sex. Being on the same page regarding willingness to have sex is important. If they do not want sex at all though, there are still ways to work with that.  

Address unmet needs

Finding alternative ways to meet needs for intimacy and affection will look different in every relationship dynamic so do not be afraid to experiment. Some options are cuddling, making out, and sensual massages as alternative physical intimacy activities. Additionally, prioritizing activities that both partners find fulfilling outside physical intimacy can strengthen the emotional bond and intimacy. Another option is to consider opening up the relationship. If one partner wants more sex than the other, that need can be outsourced so everyone’s boundaries and needs are being respected. However, non-monogamy is not for everyone so make sure you do your research and talk about the pros and cons before diving in. That being said, for some, it is a way to honor each partner’s needs while preserving the relationship. In any relationship, it is crucial to address unmet needs to avoid resentment or incompatibility which starts with clear communication. This does not always come naturally to everyone and if this is the case, sex therapy can help.  

Try sex therapy

Sex therapy is a valuable resource for mixed-orientation relationships. Sex therapists are professionally trained to help people navigate sexual concerns and improve communication, which is exactly what this sort of situation requires. In sex therapy, partners can explore alternative forms of physical intimacy and develop strategies for addressing sexual discrepancies in a supportive environment. Sex therapists can also provide education about asexuality and help partners understand one another’s perspectives more deeply.

Takeaway

Mixed-orientation relationships are absolutely possible to navigate with patience, understanding, and open communication. Asexuality, as a spectrum, encompasses a variety of experiences and it is essential for both partners to respect and validate each others’ identities and needs. By communicating, addressing unmet needs, and considering sex therapy, the relationship has the best odds of honoring everyone’s needs.  

Additional Resources

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