Things to Know If Your Partner Is Asexual (And You Aren’t)

Asexuality is often a misunderstood sexual orientation. An asexual person does not experience sexual attraction. This does not necessarily mean they do not have sex or do not want a romantic relationship. Asexuality is a spectrum, so some asexual people still have sex for reasons other than attraction, such as enjoying the attention, while others are sex averse and do not want to engage in any form of sex. Distinct from asexuality, aromantic people do not experience romantic attraction or desire. Sometimes asexual people are also aromantic, but not always. Asexual people who do want a romantic relationship may be wary of becoming involved with an allosexual (someone who does experience sexual attraction) due to the mismatch in sexual needs. This article will discuss how to make a mixed-orientation relationship work, because it is possible! 

How to make a relationship work if your partner is asexual (and you aren’t)

Seek mutual understanding

When there is a discrepancy in wants, needs, and experiences between partners, it is important to have an open and honest dialogue about each others’ experiences. For the allosexual partner, understand that asexuality is not a personal jab, nor a choice. For the asexual partner, understand that whether or not sex is an important facet of feeling fulfilled for you, it may be for your partner. Just because someone is asexual does not mean that they never have sex. Being on the same page regarding willingness to have sex is important. If they do not want sex at all though, there are still ways to work with that.  

Address unmet needs

Finding alternative ways to meet needs for intimacy and affection will look different in every relationship dynamic so do not be afraid to experiment. Some options are cuddling, making out, and sensual massages as alternative physical intimacy activities. Additionally, prioritizing activities that both partners find fulfilling outside physical intimacy can strengthen the emotional bond and intimacy. Another option is to consider opening up the relationship. If one partner wants more sex than the other, that need can be outsourced so everyone’s boundaries and needs are being respected. However, non-monogamy is not for everyone so make sure you do your research and talk about the pros and cons before diving in. That being said, for some, it is a way to honor each partner’s needs while preserving the relationship. In any relationship, it is crucial to address unmet needs to avoid resentment or incompatibility which starts with clear communication. This does not always come naturally to everyone and if this is the case, sex therapy can help.  

Try sex therapy

Sex therapy is a valuable resource for mixed-orientation relationships. Sex therapists are professionally trained to help people navigate sexual concerns and improve communication, which is exactly what this sort of situation requires. In sex therapy, partners can explore alternative forms of physical intimacy and develop strategies for addressing sexual discrepancies in a supportive environment. Sex therapists can also provide education about asexuality and help partners understand one another’s perspectives more deeply.

Takeaway

Mixed-orientation relationships are absolutely possible to navigate with patience, understanding, and open communication. Asexuality, as a spectrum, encompasses a variety of experiences and it is essential for both partners to respect and validate each others’ identities and needs. By communicating, addressing unmet needs, and considering sex therapy, the relationship has the best odds of honoring everyone’s needs.  

Additional Resources

• Relationship FAQ | The Asexual Visibility and Education Network 

• What Does It Mean to Be Asexual? 

• 14 Things to Know About Dating as an Asexual Person 

• What Is Asexuality: Myths and Truths About Being Asexual 

• Is Asexuality Even Real? | YouTube

• Understanding the Asexual Community | Human Rights Campaign 

• Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture by Sherronda J. Brown 

• Curious About Differences in Desire? Here Are 3 Tips to Address Desire Discrepancy

• Is A Relationship Just Friendship With Sex? 

• Being Ace: An Anthology of Queer, Trans, Femme, and Disabled Stories of Asexual Love and Connection by Madeline Dyer  

4 Communication Mistakes to Avoid When Talking About Sex with a Partner

Relationships require communication on a multitude of topics. One of the more difficult topics for folks to broach tends to be sexual intimacy. In this article, we’ll explore common communication pitfalls when talking about sex and introduce practical ways to foster open and honest conversations for a more satisfying sexual relationship.

The Connection Between Sex and Communication

Picture communication as the bridge that connects the emotional dimensions of a relationship with physical expression. When communication is smooth, it nurtures emotional closeness, trust, and understanding. Conversely, a communication breakdown can lead to misunderstanding, unmet needs, and a palpable strain on partners’ sexual connection.

What Makes Talking About Sex Difficult?

Discussing sex can feel uncomfortable due to societal taboos, personal insecurities, and the influence of cultural norms. The fear of judgment and societal expectations can act as barriers, preventing individuals from expressing their desires or addressing concerns openly. Remember that everyone is navigating these same barriers making us more alike than dissimilar.

How Communication Affects Sex

Contrary to common misconceptions, discussing sex is crucial for a healthy relationship. Open communication about desires, boundaries, and preferences forms the foundation for fostering intimacy. Avoiding these conversations can lead to misunderstandings, unfulfilled needs, and a gradual erosion of the overall health of the relationship. Effective communication is the pillar for a satisfying and mutually fulfilling sexual relationship. When partners feel heard, respected, and understood, they are more likely to openly share their desires. This, in turn, allows for the exploration of new experiences and collaborative navigation of challenges. Seeking the guidance of a sex therapist can provide valuable tools and strategies for improving communication in this sensitive area.

Common Communication Mistakes to Avoid

Making assumptions

Instead of assuming your partner's desires or expectations, create an environment that encourages open dialogue. Ask questions, express curiosity, and genuinely seek to understand each other's desires and boundaries.

Criticizing your partner

Rather than pointing out flaws or expressing dissatisfaction, frame your feedback positively. Encourage improvement by emphasizing your partner's strengths, fostering an atmosphere of growth rather than critique.

Staying silent

Instead of sidestepping the topic, initiate conversations about sex in a comfortable and non-confrontational manner. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and create an environment where both partners feel safe sharing their thoughts.

Disconnecting Emotionally

Instead of solely focusing on the physical aspects of sex, prioritize building emotional intimacy. Engage in activities that deepen your emotional connection, fostering an environment where both partners feel more connected and understood.

TLDR

Effective communication is essential to sexual intimacy. Avoiding common pitfalls like assumptions, criticism, silence, and overlooking emotional connection is crucial. Instead, foster open dialogue, frame feedback positively, initiate conversations comfortably, and prioritize emotional intimacy. Open communication can have a positive impact on sexual relationships, allowing for the exploration of desires and collaborative problem-solving. Remember, a healthy relationship hinges on trust, respect, and the ability to openly communicate about all aspects, including intimate ones.

3 Tips for Creating a Healthy Relationship

Healthy relationships are built, not automatic. Creating and maintaining a healthy relationship takes intentional effort. Yet, many people lack the knowledge and skills to build this kind of relationship because it is not usually explicitly taught. This lack of knowledge can lead to common pitfalls, miscommunication, and unmet needs, jeopardizing the relationship's health. This article will cover critical practices for creating and maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.  

1. Prioritize communication

Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. It is nearly impossible to maintain a healthy connection without the ability to express boundaries, preferences, and disagreements. Regular, open dialogue helps to build a foundation of trust and understanding. When all partners feel heard and valued, they can constructively approach issues together. Sharing thoughts and feelings is the best way to develop a deeper connection. With healthy communication, you can tackle almost any problem that comes your way as a team. 

How to communicate effectively

• Avoid yelling, passive aggression, and the (unexplained) silent treatment. If you need to, take a step back and use emotional regulation techniques until you are ready to have an effective conversation.

• Focus on approaching the problem at hand as a team rather than thinking of your partner as an opponent.

• Speak from the "I" perspective and how you are feeling instead of attacking your partner.

2. Develop emotional responsiveness 

A plethora of scientific research discuss how emotional responsiveness is fundamental to long-term relationship satisfaction. Emotional responsiveness is the ongoing, mutual maintenance of an emotional connection. Partners who are emotionally responsive tend to feel more secure and report a stronger relationship overall. Three key components of emotional responsiveness are accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. Accessibility means that partners are open with each other even during moments of distress. Responsiveness means that partners are in tune with each others' emotions and respond in a validating way. Finally, engagement is giving special attention to your partner. If you want to evaluate emotional responsiveness in your relationship, check out Dr. Sue Johnson’s questionnaire.

How to cultivate emotional responsiveness

• Check in with your partner about the best way to support them during times of distress.

• Make consistent small gestures like buying your partner flowers or doing the dishes after they have had a long day to remind them that you are thinking of them.

• Reinforce the security of the relationship verbally, with physical affection, or acts of service when possible.

3. Clearly state your boundaries

Boundaries determine what is and is not okay within a relationship and are a vital part of any relationship. Not everyone knows how to set boundaries or even know what boundaries they need in the first place, so the first step is to figure out what you do and do not want and need. Effective communication helps your partner understand your boundaries; if they fail to respect your boundaries, that is a red flag. Truly supportive people who are invested in your well-being will be grateful for the guidance and respect your needs.

How to set boundaries

• Be as clear and straightforward as possible, and try not to let discomfort interfere with establishing boundaries

• Habitually check in with your partner about their boundaries and avoid making assumptions about their boundaries 

• Make a plan ahead of time for handling boundary violations 

TLDR

Creating a healthy relationship is not a destination but a continuous journey that requires maintenance. The journey is not always easy, but its challenges present the opportunity for growth and a deeper connection. If you want more relationship support along the way, consider reaching out to a relationship therapist.