Common Myths and Misconceptions About BDSM: Debunked

BDSM has become more mainstream in the past decade but it is often misrepresented and demonized. From Fifty Shades of Grey misrepresenting proper BDSM practices to crime shows like Criminal Minds using BDSM to indicate a villainous character, there is no shortage of misinformation about BDSM. There is nothing immoral about BDSM and it is a healthy sex practice when practiced consensually and responsibly. This article will address common myths and misconceptions about BDSM and provide tips for healthy BDSM practices. 

Common Misconceptions About BDSM

BDSM is a fringe culture

BDSM is stigmatized because many people assume that few people engage in it. In fact, BDSM is more widespread than one might think. The popularity of media like Fifty Shades of Grey demonstrates how many people are interested in fantasy and BDSM even if they do not practice it. Similar to many sexual behaviors, it is difficult to pin down exact prevalence due to varying definitions and sampling biases. According to a 2023 review of sixty BDSM studies, an average of 20-30% of participants reported engaging in BDSM. Several studies found that at least 20% of participants practiced BDSM. The research is clear that BDSM is not a fringe culture.   

BDSM is always inherently sexual

Though BDSM is most often associated with sex, there are many reasons (including non-sexual ones) why people choose to practice it. A few common draws to BDSM beyond sexual arousal are momentary escapism, exhilaration akin to that from rollercoasters, or a wish to broaden their experiential horizons. BDSM encompasses such a wide-ranging group of activities and that there are many reasons it is appealing, and not all of them are sexual.   

BDSM is abusive and emotionally damaging

It makes sense that people unfamiliar with BDSM would think that it is abusive and traumatic. There are few contexts in which hitting someone, for instance, is not abusive. Abuse is when someone gains and maintains power over another, while BDSM hinges on a consensual power exchange. Abuse does not involve mutual consent or rules, whereas BDSM does. However, in a context where limits are respected, communication and consent are explicit, and safety precautions are taken, BDSM is not an inherently abusive practice. Of course, there are instances where harm occurs but that can happen in any kind of sexual or otherwise vulnerable context. Non-sexual activities like skydiving or even driving carry their own risks too; it is up to individuals to decide how much risk they can tolerate, just like with sexual activities. When practiced consensually, BDSM does not imply or perpetuate abuse.     

What should you know before trying BDSM for the first time?

If you want to try out BDSM, it ​​is vital to educate yourself about safety precautions and communication beforehand. There is no such thing as risk free sex with or without BDSM, and BDSM practices sometimes add additional risk. The best way to mitigate risk is to prioritize consent and communication, use appropriate props (e.g., body safe cutting shears to cut rope in an emergency instead of sharp scissors), and sanitize props effectively.  Want to learn more about BDSM? Explore these resources:

• Kink + Safety: What You Need to Know: An overview of key safety concepts such as hard and soft limits and safe words

• BDSM 101: A thorough, yet general introduction to BDSM, practical application, different types of BDSM relationships, and safety tips

• What Is BDSM? Fundamentals, Types and Roles, Safety Rules, and More: A scientific, health-oriented perspective on the psychology of BDSM

• The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book: A series of two books covering the “how-to” and “why-to” of BDSM and ethical interactions  

• As Kinky As You Wanna Be: A book for familiarizing you with BDSM culture, language, practices, and techniques 

• First Aid and Kink: A guide on how to prepare first aid and safety practices for BDSM            

Takeaway

The internet and media are rife with misinformation about BDSM, leading people who are unfamiliar with it to a great deal of misunderstanding. Fortunately, there are many resources that provide accurate information such as the ones mentioned above. Even if you do not want to engage in BDSM, it is important to be accurately informed about it so you do not needlessly judge others. If you are curious about trying BDSM and feel uncertain about how to begin safely, consider reaching out to a sex therapist to discuss your interests and any concerns.  

What to Know Before Sharing Sexual Fantasies With a Partner

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Fantasies are a natural part of human sexuality. They can be exciting, fulfilling, and even play a crucial role in maintaining a healthy and satisfying intimate relationship. However, sharing your fantasies with a partner can be a delicate matter. In this blog, we will explore the intricacies of sharing fantasies, addressing the questions of whether you should tell your partner about your fantasies, the best ways to open up to your partner, and how to deal with obsessive sexual thoughts. We'll also emphasize the importance of understanding that fantasies are not necessarily a reflection of unmet sexual needs or dissatisfaction.

Fantasy Is Not Reality

Before we dive into the details of sharing fantasies, it's essential to understand that what makes a fantasy a fantasy is precisely that it is not reality. Fantasies are products of our imagination, shaped by desires, curiosities, and the freedom to explore scenarios that may never come to fruition in our daily lives. Some are even impossible to play out in real life. Importantly, fantasies do not inherently indicate any deficiencies in our sexual relationships or unfulfilled needs. Embracing this concept can alleviate any anxieties you may have about sharing your fantasies and help you appreciate them as a unique aspect of your sexuality.

Should I Tell My Partner About My Fantasy?

The decision to share your fantasies with your partner is a personal one and depends on various factors including your level of comfort, trust, and the nature of your relationship. Here are some tips to help you decide:

Assess Trust and Communication Strength 

A strong foundation of trust and open communication is vital in any relationship. If you feel safe and secure with your partner, sharing your fantasies can enhance intimacy and deepen your connection.

Engage in Mutual Exploration

Sharing fantasies can be an exciting way to explore each other's desires and deepen your sexual connection. It can lead to discovering shared interests and preferences, which can improve your overall sexual satisfaction.

Respect One Another’s Boundaries

It's crucial to respect your partner's boundaries. Not everyone is comfortable hearing about explicit fantasies, so approach the conversation with sensitivity. Gauge their reaction and be prepared to stop or adjust the conversation if they seem uncomfortable.

Center Consent

Always ensure that any fantasies you wish to explore involve consensual activities. Consent is paramount in any sexual exploration, so that all partners can feel comfortable and enthusiastic about trying new things.

How do I Share my Fantasies with my Partner?

Sharing your fantasies with your partner can be a fulfilling experience if done with care and consideration. Here's a step-by-step guide on how to approach this conversation.

1. Choose the Right Time and Place.

Find a quiet, private setting where both you and your partner can feel relaxed and comfortable. Timing matters too. Avoid discussing sensitive topics during arguments or stressful moments. During these moments, you or your partner may be emotionally flooded and find it difficult to navigate the topic in a way that feels good to both of you.

2. Express Your Desires Clearly.

Clearly and honestly communicate your fantasies. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and desires without placing blame or pressure on your partner. Remember that the point of this is to share your desires, not to project guilt onto your partner for not meeting these previously uncommunicated needs. If your partner feels blame and pressure coming from you, it could work against your hopes for being understood and may inhibit future conversations.

3. Listen Actively.

Encourage your partner to share their thoughts and feelings about your fantasies. Active listening fosters understanding and empathy, making it easier to find common ground.

4. Stay Open to Feedback.

Your partner may have their own fantasies, ideas, or reactions. Be receptive to their input and consider how you can mutually explore new experiences together. It can be vulnerable to share your innermost sexual desires. If they respond by sharing their own desires, be prepared to respond to them in a way that you would hope they respond to you. Curiosity keeps doors open, judgment and reactivity tend to close them.

5. Take It Slow.

Don't rush into acting on your fantasies. Take your time to build trust and ensure both you and your partner are comfortable with any new experiences.

How Do I Address Obsessive Thoughts About Fantasies?

While fantasies are a healthy part of human sexuality, they can sometimes become obsessive or intrusive. Here are some strategies to manage obsessive thoughts about your fantasies:

Self-Reflect

Take some time to reflect on the nature of your fantasies. Are they causing distress or interfering with your daily life? Are they getting in the way of completing work or other day-to-day functioning? Understanding your own feelings and their impact on your functioning can be the first step in addressing obsessive thoughts.

Seek Professional Help

If obsessive thoughts about your fantasies are causing you significant distress or affecting your mental health, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and support tailored to your specific situation.

Communicate Clearly

If you feel comfortable, discuss your obsessive thoughts with your partner. They may offer emotional support and understanding, helping you alleviate any concerns.

Engage in Mindfulness or Distraction

Engaging in mindfulness techniques or distracting activities when obsessive thoughts arise can be effective in managing them. Redirect your focus to the present moment or immerse yourself in a different activity.

Takeaway

Sharing fantasies with your partner can be a rewarding journey that deepens your intimacy and connection. Approach the conversation with sensitivity and prioritize open communication. The beauty of fantasy lies in its divergence from reality. Remember that your fantasies are a part of your individuality, not a reflection of any inadequacies in your relationship. By sharing your fantasies, you may discover new dimensions to your intimacy and embark on exciting adventures together. 

Postpartum Pelvic Pain: What You Need to Know

Giving birth takes a huge toll on the body, especially the pelvis. This means that giving birth has the potential to cause postpartum pelvic pain. The pelvis is the ring of bones at the bottom of your spine, which functions to stabilize muscles and protect organs.

When you have your hands full with a newborn, pain is the last thing you want to be dealing with, but it is a relatively common part of the postpartum healing process. The first six weeks postpartum are considered your “recovery period,” but everyone’s body heals at a different pace. It is normal for your body to need time to heal but you can proactively address pelvic pain instead of trying to wait it out. In this article, we will explore tips for preventing postpartum pelvic pain, potential causes, and how to manage pain when it emerges.

Symptoms of Postpartum Pelvic Pain

Some of the symptoms related to pelvic pain after childbirth are persistent pain in the pelvic area, hips, lower back, or pubic bone; difficulty walking or standing; and urinary or bowel issues. Factors such as type of delivery, the presence of complications, and the strength of the pelvis before childbirth will all influence which symptoms you experience. There are multiple possibilities for causes of pelvic pain, so a medical professional can help determine which one is contributing to your symptoms. The following section describes a few of the potential causes. 

Causes of Postpartum Pelvic Pain

Changes in the Pelvic Floor

Pregnancy and childbirth stretch and weaken pelvic floor muscles, which are connective tissues supporting pelvic organs like the bladder, rectum, and uterus. They serve to stabilize the spine and assist with continence. 

Pelvic Girdle Pain/Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction

Pelvic Girdle Pain (also known as Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction) happens when the ligaments that keep your pelvic bone aligned are too relaxed due to the hormone relaxin. While your body is supposed to produce relaxin before birth to allow for the baby to pass through, sometimes it produces too much, meaning your pelvic bones do not have the appropriate support and in turn, cause pain afterwards.  

Trauma from a vaginal delivery

There is, unfortunately, an association between vaginal delivery and ensuing urinary incontinence and pelvic organ prolapse. Pushing out a baby puts strain on the pelvic floor and weakens those muscles, leading to postpartum pelvic pain.

How to Prevent Postpartum Pelvic Pain

If you have yet to give birth, there are steps you can take to prevent or mitigate pelvic pain both during pregnancy and postpartum. These tips are not guaranteed to help you avoid pelvic pain altogether, but they may decrease the odds of experiencing it, or at least decrease the intensity of the pain you experience.   

Exercise your pelvic floor

Since pelvic pain is in part due to a weakened pelvic floor, working on strength building both before and after giving birth helps with postpartum recovery. Everyone’s body and postpartum challenges are unique to them, so it is best to do these under the guidance of a professional pelvic floor physical therapist. If that is not accessible to you, there are plenty of resources online that demonstrate some of these exercises. It is important to be aware of your body’s limitations and to stop if you experience an inordinate amount of discomfort or pain.      

Maintaining good posture

Though good posture is challenging to maintain when you have the weight of a pregnant belly pulling down, it will alleviate strain on the pelvic area. Good posture is also important postpartum, especially since early parenthood involves lots of lifting and bending.  

Move gently interspersed with rest

Staying active during pregnancy is vital to prepare your body for the strenuous nature of labor. Gentle forms of exercise like walking and stretching promote flexibility and blood flow without putting too much strain on the body. Equally important as exercise is to rest and avoid overexertion.

Wear comfortable footwear

Everything in the body is connected and affects other parts of the body. Even though your feet are not close to your pelvis, supportive shoes support spinal alignment and in doing so, reduces strain on the pelvis.

Use supportive devices

Maternity belly bands provide support for your belly and back can alleviate strain on your spine and pelvis.   

Treatments for Pelvic Pain

If you have already given birth and are experiencing postpartum pelvic pain, you have options for addressing it. The tips can still support your recovery if it is too late to prevent the pain. Additionally, you can take NSAIDs like acetaminophen, use a heating pad, get rest, and work with a pelvic floor physical therapist. Note that you should speak to your doctor as soon as possible about your concerns; they can give you specific guidance for the treatment options best suited to you    

The bottom line 

Understanding the potential causes, incorporating prevention strategies, and seeking appropriate treatment are the best ways to approach postpartum pelvic pain. Every person’s experience and body is unique, and healing timelines and trajectories will vary, which is why it is important to consult a qualified pelvic floor physical therapist and/or a sex therapist. Finally, though easier said than done, try to be patient with your body. It has just been through significant trauma and challenges, so health complications as a result are to be expected. By educating yourself and using available resources, you may feel more supported on the journey of postpartum recovery.