The Beginner's Guide to Energetic Love

Energetic Love has the capability to transform our relationships. This stems from understanding that love is not simply a noun - a product of something we create, but also a verb. Love is an ongoing and evolving process. Energetic love is the act of loving (with energy).

We energize our love by increasing our awareness of ourselves and our partners and through this insight, we are able to love more intentionally and authentically. Energetic love also implies that loving itself requires energy, which is true. Love is an active process and one that does require our body, mind and spirit. If we love without energy, it may not be as sustainable or meaningful.

So, how does one practice Energetic Love?

Balancing individual and interpersonal awareness with proactivity. Examine what is going on internally and externally in your relationship:

• Consider your own understandings of love; think about this as your love template. How do you feel loved? If you have a partner, how do they make you feel loved? How do you express love to others or a partner? What ways does your partner feel love and express love? Gary Chapman's book, Love Languages is an excellent resource for understanding how we "love" one another and receive love ourselves.

• Fill in the blank. When we understand that our partner feels loved by _____ we can use this information as an opportunity to speak their language in the way that we act (using energy).

• Embrace imperfection. We are human and cannot possibly do everything right all of the time, no matter how nice that would be. When we make mistakes such as forgetting an important date or to unload the dishwasher, it is important to acknowledge these moments and use them as learning opportunities. Consider saying to yourself or your partner, "I am not perfect, but I will try to ________ in the future".

• Forgiveness. We do not always show up in our relationship the way that we hope to and our partners do not always show up for us the way we hope they will. When these moments occur, embrace the disappointment, sadness or uncertainty that follows and direct your energy into a conversation on how to be more on target next time.

There is great wisdom that can come from our interpersonal awareness of how we love and experience love. When we are not getting something from our partners that we need in order to feel loved, we ought to communicate that in a benevolent way. When we are not loving our partner in the way that they need, we can use this information to channel our energy into more productive and meaningful loving.

How do you practice Energetic Love? Feel free to share your ideas below!

Are You Ready to Dare to Be Direct in Your Relationship?

Are you and your partner finding yourselves going in circles when it comes to making decisions? Does indecisiveness sometimes create unnecessary tension in your relationship? If so, it might be time to ask yourself: Are you ready to try direct communication?

Direct communication can be a powerful tool in any relationship. By clearly expressing what you want, you help your partner understand exactly how they can meet your needs and strengthen your connection. Here are some pro-tips for delivering a direct request:

The Power of Direct Communication: Tips and Techniques

1. Identify What You’re Seeking

Before you can ask for what you want, you need to be clear on what that is. Whether you’re seeking quality time, problem-solving, a listening ear, or an adventurous outing, identifying your needs first will boost your confidence when it comes time to communicate them.

2. Spell It Out (With Words)

We’re all human, not mind readers. Instead of hoping your partner will guess what you’re thinking, tell them directly. For example, saying, “Hey babe, I’d really love to take a walk and get some mint-chocolate chip ice cream after dinner,” is much clearer than, “Hey babe, what would you like to do after dinner?” (while secretly hoping they suggest ice cream).

Clear communication prevents misunderstandings and keeps both of you on the same page.

3. Share the Why Behind Your Request

Sometimes, explaining why you’re making a request can help your partner understand its significance. For instance, saying, “I’d really like us to spend the afternoon just the two of us because quality time makes me feel appreciated and relaxed,” gives context and may make your partner more receptive to your needs.

4. Practice Makes Perfect

Like any skill, direct communication improves with practice. Pay attention to your partner’s feedback when you make requests. Notice what tone of voice works best, whether they respond better to a calm or vibrant tone, and whether they seem more engaged when you have their undivided attention. Adjust your approach based on these observations to improve future interactions.

Why Is Direct Communication Worth the Effort?

Daring to be direct in your communication can transform your relationship, helping you avoid the frustration of unspoken expectations and misunderstandings. When you clearly express your needs and desires, you create a pathway for mutual understanding and stronger connections.

So, ask yourself: Are you ready to take the direct approach in your relationship? The effort you put into refining this skill can lead to a more fulfilling and harmonious partnership.

If you’re still feeling stuck or unsure where to start, consider consulting a couples therapist who can offer guidance and support in building your interpersonal communication skills.

How Do You Handle Conflict When You Reach Your Boiling Point?

We all have our limits—those metaphorical boiling points where patience runs thin, and emotions start to overflow. Do you recall those moments in a relationship when it feels like your friend or partner is relentlessly pushing your buttons, turning up the heat beneath you? Maybe it's when your friend won't back down from challenging your political views or insists on your attendance at their bachelor party despite your significant work commitments. Or perhaps it’s your partner, reminding you to put away the dishes, pick up your laundry, or pay bills after you've already had a particularly stressful day at the office.

These moments, often described as frustrating or intense, contribute to an overall sense of stress. If your baseline stress level is already high—say, a 7 out of 10—it doesn’t take much for someone to crank it up to an 8 or 9. So, what happens next?

In my experience clinically, the most common reactions I see are a combination of something in between these scenarios:

• The feeling many people describe as "I just cannot take it anymore!" comes over and then you explode at your partner, yelling at them and perhaps saying things you do not mean that are hurtful. This fighting continues and creates tension which then becomes distance between you both.

• The presence of negative self-talk "I can't do anything right" emerges as we draw away from the relationship and blame ourselves, internally sulking and de-sensationalizing. This type of conflict might appear as one or both people become reclusive or initiate the silent treatment.

So maybe you identify your own pattern of dealing with conflict, however similar or different from these examples. Now return to your boiling point, remember what that felt like. What's happening within you right now?

Neurologically, here's what is actually happening in your brain and why it might be hard to communicate clearly...

There are two areas in our brain that are centrally activated during our interactions of conflict - the limbic area or emotional brain, which includes the amygdala, and the prefrontal cortex (PFC). Within the limbic system, our amygdala appears petite, yet it can have a powerful impact as it is responsible for responding to fear and rage. The prefrontal cortex (PFC) orchestrates thoughtful decision-making abilities and is our source of reasoning and good judgement.

When we are in the midst of an argument with a partner or friend, perhaps fearful of what may come of the interaction or we become angered by the threat of feeling attacked, our amygdala reacts and takes charge. Simply put, our emotional brain takes over making it very difficult for us to communicate clearly to our partners and friends. This makes sense because thoughtfulness in this moment would require sufficient PFC functioning. Mona Fishbane, PhD., clinical psychologist and family therapist, describes this limbic area activation as "the low road" of reactivity and the PFC activation as "the high road" of thoughtfulness in her application of neuroscience to her psychotherapy work and in her book, Loving With The Brain in Mind, which is an excellent resource for couples.

So, in order for us to decrease reactivity and increase thoughtfulness during moments of conflict, the PFC must communicate with the amygdala to calm it down (the brain is wired for this process to occur). We can activate this process in our PFC by engaging in calming behaviors - think diaphragmatic/deep breathing, meditation, a short walk, time to recollect, reflection, releasing tears, calming thoughts.

When we engage in calming behaviors during intense moments where our emotional brain has taken over and our PFC has gone off-line, we can actually open the pathway of communication between our PFC and amygdala, bringing our PFC back online. While these processes take time to learn and integrate into our daily lives, they are effective with the right amount of coaching and support. Perhaps you may find psychotherapy to be a useful outlet.

The Power of Choice

Now, let's return to that boiling point one last time. Your blood feels like it's boiling, you're annoyed, and the heat is rising. Maybe you’re teetering on the edge of conflict, or perhaps you're already deep in it, feeling uncomfortable and uncertain. But here’s the good news: you have the power to choose how you’ll respond in this moment.

When conflict arises, and your emotional brain takes over, it can be challenging to think clearly and communicate effectively. However, by engaging in calming behaviors—whether it’s deep breathing, taking a short walk, or simply pausing to reflect—you can help your prefrontal cortex regain control, allowing you to approach the situation with thoughtfulness rather than reactivity.

So, the next time you find yourself at your boiling point, ask yourself: What route will you take? Will you allow the heat to consume you, or will you choose to cool down and navigate the conflict with a clearer mind? The choice is yours, and with practice, you can learn to handle even the most intense situations with grace and composure.