What To Do When Your Partner Loses Their Erection: 6 Ways to Respond

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Intimacy is a vital component of a healthy romantic relationship, and sexual intimacy plays a significant role in many partnerships. However, it's not uncommon for individuals to experience challenges with their sexual health, including erectile dysfunction or difficulties with erections. If you find yourself in a situation where your partner loses their erection, it's important to respond in a supportive and understanding manner.

How do I deal with my partner’s erectile dysfunction? 

Here are some healthy ways to respond when your partner loses their erection:

Practice Compassion and Understanding

Is ED a reason to break up? It's crucial to remember that experiencing difficulties with erections is not uncommon and can happen to anyone. Erection issues can stem from a variety of reasons, including stress, anxiety, fatigue, medical conditions, or simply random occurrences. It's essential to approach the situation with compassion and understanding rather than judgment or frustration. Avoid blaming or shaming your partner, as it can worsen the situation and create emotional distress. Instead, be empathetic and let your partner know that you understand it's a common occurrence and are there to support them.

Communicate Openly and Honestly

So, how do people feel when they can’t get it up? Open communication is vital in any relationship, and it becomes even more crucial when it comes to sexual health. Encourage your partner to communicate openly about their feelings, thoughts, and concerns regarding their lost erection. Listen attentively without interrupting or making assumptions. Avoid making negative comments or belittling their experience. Instead, offer reassurance and express your support. Remember, your partner may already feel embarrassed or disappointed, so it's essential to create a safe space for them to share without fear of judgment. 

Reframe the Situation

When your partner loses their erection, it's easy to interpret it as a failure or a reflection of their attraction to you. However, it's important to reframe the situation and see it as a temporary setback that does not necessarily indicate their feelings for you. Remind yourself and your partner that sexual performance is not the sole measure of intimacy and connection in a relationship. Unless this is communicated, performance anxiety could escalate. Emotional and mental connections are equally important. Shift the focus from the physical act to the emotional bond and intimacy you share and emphasize that you are still connected despite the temporary challenge.

Offer Support or Solutions

You may wonder if a man with erectile dysfunction could ever satisfy a partner. If your partner is open to it, offer support and explore potential solutions together. However, it's important to approach this with sensitivity and respect for your partner's comfort level. Avoid pressuring them or imposing solutions without their consent. Instead, discuss options such as seeing a healthcare professional, trying different sexual activities, or exploring relaxation techniques together. Encourage your partner to seek medical advice if they are concerned about their sexual health, as underlying medical conditions can sometimes affect erectile function. Remind them that seeking help is a sign of strength and not weakness.

Be Patient and Understanding

Your partner is most likely already wondering how to overcome their ED anxiety. Dealing with a partner's lost erection can be frustrating and disappointing, but it's important to remember that patience is key. Avoid expressing frustration, disappointment, or anger towards your partner, as it can exacerbate the situation and create emotional distance. Instead, be understanding and patient. Reassure your partner that you are not disappointed or upset with them and are there to support them through this challenge. Be willing to step back from sexual activities and focus on other forms of intimacy, such as emotional connection, affection, and closeness.

Prioritize Self-Care

Coping with your partner's lost erection can also be emotionally challenging. It's important to prioritize your own self-care during this time. Take care of your emotional and physical well-being, and seek support from trusted friends, family, or a sex therapist. Engage in activities that help you relax and manage stress, such as getting regular exercise, practicing mindfulness, or engaging in hobbies you enjoy. Remember that taking care of yourself allows you to be better equipped to support your partner in a healthy and understanding manner.

Takeaway

Can erectile dysfunction ruin a relationship? Only if you let it. At the end of the day, sexual intimacy is a personal and sensitive aspect of any romantic relationship, and it's important to approach it with kindness, patience, and understanding. By responding healthily and supporting your partner through their challenges with erectile function, you can strengthen your bond, deepen your emotional connection, and foster a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.

Remember that relationships are built on trust, love, and understanding; facing challenges together can ultimately strengthen your partnership. So, be there for your partner, be understanding, and work together towards finding solutions that work for both of you. With mutual support, empathy, and patience, you can navigate this situation healthily and positively!

Boosting a Low Sex Drive

Everyone’s libido naturally fluctuates due to a variety of factors including stress, menstrual cycles or menopause, negative body image, and more. While it’s not requisite to address low libido if you have no interest in doing so, there are ways to try to increase libido for those who want to. Some circumstantial factors will be inescapable and for those instances, you may need to wait it out. For those who want to try to increase their libido, here are some strategies for doing so. 

Address the issue at the root

In order to address the issue, you need to identify it. Figure out the root cause of your low sex drive. Some factors to consider include stress, hormonal changes like menstrual cycles and birth control hormones, poor body image, relationship issues, medications, and alcohol consumption. If the root issue is neglected, low libido will repeatedly return until it is addressed.

Schedule sex

Many couples are mixed libido, with one desiring sex more frequently than the other. Scheduling time to connect and possibly have sex can help address this, as well as temporary lowered libido. Knowing when you’ll be having sex allows suspense to build and for you to set the mood in advance.

Rule out biological factors 

Biological factors like menopause, depression/anxiety, and stress can all affect libido. If you suspect there is something biologically wrong that is causing the low libido, visit a doctor to figure out what’s going on.

Mix it up

Sometimes libido might be low because sex has become boring. It’s easy to fall into a routine, especially with a long term relationship, but eventually this may no longer feel appealing. Exploring your sexual fantasies and kinks is a great way to experiment and make sex exciting. Read about incorporating kink here. If you’re not into kink or fantasies, try incorporating a sex toy or reading erotica with your partner.

Work on your body image

If you have a hard time with body positivity or neutrality, your self consciousness may be holding you back from desiring sex. Sex is an emotionally and physically vulnerable act. When your body image is suffering, that vulnerability feels even more difficult to achieve which disincentivizes sexual desire. Here are some resources for improving body image:

• Your Body is Not an Apology & Workbook by Sonya Renee Taylor

• Body Positive Power by Megan Crabbe

• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

• Happy Fat by Sofie Hagen 

• Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon

• Hunger by Roxane Gay

• You Have the Right to Remain Fat by Virgie Tovar

Evaluate about your medications and contraceptives 

Some medications, such as SSRIs, have libido lowering side effects. If this is posing a significant problem for your sexual satisfaction, talk to your doctor about changing your regimen. Consider the potential role that your contraceptive method has on your libido. If you use certain hormonal birth control, the way it influences your hormonal cycle may affect libido. Discuss with your doctor whether your current contraceptive method is right for you.

Set the mood

An alluring environment can make sex more appealing and enjoyable, likewise a distracting one can get in the way. Some ways to set the mood include lighting candles, wearing sexy clothes or undergarments, listening to sexy music, running a bath, and giving each other massages.

TLDR

Rest assured, low libido is something most people encounter at some point in their life. If after implementing a variety of strategies to increase libido you still struggle with low libido, consider seeing a doctor to ensure nothing more serious is at the root. In instances where emotional issues are at the root, consider reaching out to a therapist. Be patient with yourself and listen to your mind and body.

Sexuality Professionals Series: An Interview with Haley Hasen

Embrace Sexual Wellness is conducting a multipart spotlight series of interviews with sexuality professionals. If you missed the previous installments, check them out on our blog. For the final installment in our interviews, we spoke to Haley Hasen, educator and erotic laborer (Haley/Haley’s).

Haley Hasen is the founder of Haleyhasenuncensored, LLC. Haley is an artist, sex educator, certified crisis interventionist, erotic laborer, and sex toy enthusiast. Haley is involved with a federal work-study with RAINN, and is an art therapy intern at the nonprofit Clean and Sober Street based in DC. Haley is studying to receive a Master’s Degree in Art Therapy at George Washington University through a trauma-informed lens. 

Erotic labor refers to any kind of sex work. This could be stripping, full service sex work, selling erotic photographs and videos, or any other kind of work that involves sex or eroticism in some capacity. The word “prostitution” is an outdated and generally disparaging term which should be avoided unless someone explicitly identifies themself as such. Erotic labor is highly stigmatized which can make these careers risky because of the lack of safeguards and regulation. At the end of the day, everyone under capitalism has to sell some part of themselves and erotic laborers are no different. Erotic labor is an entirely legitimate and valid career that does not deserve the flack it receives.

What inspired you to pursue your career path? 
I feel I came about this career path while working on healing and unlearning my sexual trauma. I really appreciate Carl Jung's idea of being a "wounded healer." I hope to create a safer space for individuals to be able to process, heal and unlearn aspects of themselves. I decided to do erotic labor as a way to reclaim my autonomy and sensuality after my sexual trauma. I wanted to have full control over that identity and I feel empowered by this aspect.   

How does your field differ from that of other sexuality professionals?
My field is different due to what I choose to disclose, educate, and advocate for. I am working within the here and now framework. I am also transparent in certain spaces about my identity as an erotic laborer; however, in most spaces I keep this identity hidden due to societal views and protection of myself. I feel I overlap in all aspects of myself and I try to formulate a truer self with one identity instead of being a multi-hat person. 

What is the most rewarding part of your career?
Empowering and creating a safer and healing space for sex workers and individuals who have and are experiencing sexual trauma. I enjoy learning from others and how they present themselves in these spaces. 

What's the most misunderstood thing about what you do?
I am not always turned on and I do not only think about sex. Furthermore, while I have gone through trauma that is not the reason I entered this space. I entered it to empower and reclaim aspects of me that were taken away without my consent. 

What's the most common question you receive from others about your career?
”Can you teach me how to have sex?” is usually peoples’ go-to question on various dating apps and it always makes me roll my eyes. 

What advice would you want to share with aspiring sexuality professionals?
You cannot educate everyone! I learned this from a dear colleague, Lindsay Wynn. 

If you had to describe your work in one sentence, what would you say?
Relevant.

Is there anything you’d like to add? 
Pay, support and uplift Black and Brown Trans Sex Workers; they are the foundation of the sexuality field and are rarely credited. 

Thank you to Haley for sharing their knowledge and expertise with us! We encourage you to visit Haley’s social media and websites, linked below. 

• Instagram: @haleyhasenuncensored

• Website: haleyhasen.com