Healing Through Kink

Content warning: discussion of trauma and sexual assault

Kink is the broad phrase that refers to any non-traditional sex, traditional meaning heterosexual, monogamous intercourse without a non-normative fantasy or desire involved. Everything from roleplay to bondage to power exchange and beyond is a form of kink. All sorts of people engage in kink for a number of reasons. Kink can absolutely be done solely for pleasure but for some, kink is a tool for healing trauma. It’s not a replacement for mental healthcare but it can be used to supplement that process. Kink offers a safe, controlled context for sexual trauma survivors to reclaim sexual confidence and comfort. While sexual trauma like assault is a non-consensual seizure of power and dominance, power exchange in a safe, kinky setting can be a consensual, healthy practice to reframe sexual trauma. Kink centers and emphasizes communication and consent which are vital tenets of any healthy sex.

Oftentimes, the appeal of kink for sexual assault survivors is the opportunity to feel empowered, respected, and safe. Not everyone will find kink healing because trauma and the ensuing healing process is highly personal. Including kink in that process is one of many power reclamation strategies. In order to be healing though, it’s important that kink is being practiced in a healthy, consensual, communicative way. Furthermore, just because kink may involve physical pain or name calling, does not equate it with self-harm. This excerpt from Dr. Joe Kort explains this further in a quote from A Beautiful Perspective: 

“self-harm breaks relationship contracts, puts yourself at risk for real harm from others or one’s self, and doesn’t stay within boundaries of physical and psychological safety… When you engage in healthy ways, you talk openly and honestly at length with the person you are going to engage with in kink, fetish or BDSM play. You have a safe word, you stop when you don’t feel safe or comfortable, and the feelings are pleasurable and enjoyable and not shame-based.” 

Kink, especially that which includes inflicting pain, not only provides the physical catharsis facilitated by pain, but also allows the recipient to be in control of the pain so they can explore those sensations safely. Focusing on intense physical sensation can be a grounding experience that allows the stresses of the real world to momentarily cease. These positive aspects can only be attained when kink is practiced consensually, safely, and transparently.

Safety and communication are key aspects of kink regardless of the context but they are all the more important when it’s being used as an outlet to heal trauma. For those interested in trying kink, especially in a therapeutic capacity, you may consider hiring a sex worker. This will allow for the most controlled environment possible to try exactly what you’re interested in.

Before delving into any kinky endeavor, it’s vital to do your research. Neglecting to do so poses significant risks to everyone involved. Below are some resources for practicing safer kink. 

• Communication 

  • How to talk about kink with new partners 

  • Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships

  • What is a safe word?  

  • Kink + Safety: What You Need to Know

• Physical Safety

  • Choking Etiquette 101 

  • What Is BDSM? Fundamentals, Types and Roles 

  • Erotic Asphyxiation: 10 Things to Know About Safe Breath Play

  • A Beginner's Guide to Impact Play 

• Consent and Boundaries

  • Kink Boundaries and Interests 

  • What Kink Can Teach Us About Consent

• Kink as a therapeutic outlet

  • Healing Through BDSM 

  • BSDM Can Provide Profound Healing Experiences 

  • Kink as a Form of Sex Therapy

  • Experimenting-with-kink-helps-my-emotional-healing 

  • How-submission-transformed-my-trauma 

  • Can Exploring in Bed Be a Potential Nightmare for Sexual Violence Survivors? 

• Kink in general 

  • RACK(Risk Aware Consensual Kink): A Realistic Alternative to SSC 

  • RACK: The Risk Acceptable Safety Mantra

  • Emerson (@thekinkeducator)

  • The Boundary Between Abuse and BDSM 

Therapeutic kink isn’t for everyone, but there’s nothing wrong with it either. There is nothing wrong with two adults consensually exploring kinky catharsis. Make sure to do your research, openly communicate, and understand your own boundaries. Kink is not a replacement for traditional trauma therapies but it can absolutely be part of the process.