Sexual Wellness, Sex Education + Pleasure
Jennifer Litner
16 Ways Shame Shows Up During Sex and How It ...
16 Ways Shame Shows Up During Sex and How It Can Impact Your Relationship

Relationships

4 Myths About Consensual Non-Monogamy Debunked

Non-monogamy is an umbrella term for relationships in which partners consent to engaging in romantic and/or sexual relationships with multiple people unlike cheating which is non-consensual. There are many subtypes of relationships that fall under this umbrella including open relationships, relationship anarchy, and throuples. People practice non-monogamy for reasons that are as unique as each individual. A few examples are sexual fulfillment, a desire for new experiences, or beliefs and value systems.

How common is consensual non-monogamy? Why is it so misunderstood?

Non-monogamy is more common than most people think. Findings suggest at least 5% of Americans are currently in a non-monogamous relationship, while about 21% of Americans report having been in a non-monogamous relationship at some point in their lives. Unfortunately, within a mononormative society, non-monogamy tends to be a misunderstood practice. This article aims to dispel some of the myths surrounding non-monogamy which perpetuates unfair stigma.     

Misconceptions About Consensual Non-Monogamy

Myth: Non-monogamy is a free for all and normalizes cheating.

When practiced ethically, non-monogamy is not the same as cheating because everyone involved is knowingly consenting to the arrangement. Cheating is when a person in a relationship unilaterally makes a decision to break an agreement they have made with their partner so it is not the same. Furthermore, many non-monogamous relationships do have boundaries like monogamous relationships do, they just differ in contents. Note that it is important to note the difference between boundaries and rules; in short, boundaries dictate your own behavior (if you do x, I will do x), while rules attempt to control the other person’s behavior (you may not do x). 

Myth: People in non-monogamous relationships do not experience jealousy.

Jealousy is a natural, morally neutral human emotion. Non-monogamous relationships often bring up jealousy primarily because they go against social conditioning. When you have been told your whole life that true love and commitment can only exist between two people, it makes sense to feel jealous when you are trying to operate differently. It is okay to feel jealous, but non-monogamous people often have to do work to unlearn their conditioning to mitigate jealousy. Even the most experienced non-monogamous people grapple with jealousy sometimes and the key to making non-monogamy work is how you handle jealousy. With communication, self-reflection, and teamwork, jealousy is absolutely a navigable obstacle.    

Myth: Non-monogamy is for promiscuous people who do not want to commit.

Commitment is not defined by exclusivity. Commitment is about making promises and following through with action to nurture and build a relationship, whatever that means to the people within it. That is entirely possible in a non-monogamous context. Non-monogamous people are not commitment-averse, they are often multi-committed. 

Myth: Non-monogamous relationships are unhealthy.

As a relationship structure, non-monogamous relationships - similarly to monogamous relationships - are as healthy as the people practicing it. Some characteristics of a healthy relationship are trust, openness, boundaries, and mutual respect, all of which are possible to achieve within a non-monogamous context. 

Takeaway 

Non-monogamy is a valid form of relationship that is not inherently better or worse than monogamy. Unfortunately, misinformation about it perpetuates stigma and harmful myths. At the end of the day, it is up to each individual to determine what relationship structure works best for them and that choice is not a reflection of morality. If you are trying to determine what type of relationship makes the most sense for you, consider seeking professional help from a trained therapist. There are resources below for further learning about non-monogamy.   

Resources for Further Learning

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How to Make and Keep Friends as an Adult

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When you are a child, making friends is relatively straightforward. You offer to share your toy, or sit down at someone’s lunch table, and you have your foot in the door. Being in school facilitates friendships for most people. Spending most of your time around the same people during some of the most formative years of your life makes it easier to make friends. When you are not surrounded by a circle of social opportunity, it becomes much more complicated to make friends. Sure, you might keep in touch with friends from your years in school. However, it is just as likely that you grow apart, your friendship styles end up being incompatible, or that the friendships just do not withstand the test of time, for whatever reason. Adulthood brings new obstacles to building and maintaining friendships like long distance, busy schedules that never seem to align, and romantic partnerships.  


TV shows like Friends, New Girl, and How I Met Your Mother seem to imply that every adult has a cohesive group of friends who do everything together and complement each other perfectly. When reality fails to match these expectations, it is difficult to not feel as though something is wrong with you for struggling with adult friendships. Rest assured, just because you are currently dissatisfied with the state of your friendships in adulthood, does not mean you cannot change it. It is very much possible to meet and make friends at any age. That is not to say that it is a walk in the park, and it will probably require venturing outside your comfort zone, but it is possible to find your people past your years in school. 

Where to Find Friends

The first step to making friends is finding people you are actually interested in befriending. Once you leave school, most people spend the majority of their time at work. This is a good place to make friends for those that work amongst and with other people, but with the recent rise in remote work, not everyone has the benefit of a social pool at work. Even if you do work with others, you may not work alongside anyone who shares your interests or who seems interesting to you. So, while work can be a good option for meeting friends in some contexts, what do you do if work is not an option for friend-making?    

Join social groups

Local social groups like book clubs, walking clubs, or workout classes are great ways to meet people with similar interests. This is a great way to make friends because you automatically have a subject in common that you can use to start a conversation.

Try using apps

People most often think of apps as a way to meet romantic interests, but there are apps for platonic connections too! Apps like Meetup or Bumble BFF can connect you with other people looking to build new friendships. 

Volunteer

Volunteering not only benefits your community, but it can also introduce you to people who share your values. Websites like VolunteerMatch can help you find volunteering opportunities. 

Take classes

Enrolling in classes or workshops related to your hobbies is a great way to meet people who share your interests. Similar to social groups, classes provide common ground to start a conversation. If paying for a class is out of your budget, check to see if your local community center offers any free workshops. 

Become a regular

Frequenting a local spot regularly (e.g., a library, cafe or restaurant) provides proximity and frequency which can facilitate connection. Seeing the same people frequently increases the likelihood of connecting with them and, even more importantly, maintaining that connection. 

How to Maintain Friendships

Though finding and initially making friends sounds like the hard part, maintaining those friendships is a whole other challenge. When you are inundated with demands for your attention and energy from work, family, health, and anything else you are responsible for, it is easy to let friendships take the backseat. While it is absolutely okay to drop the ball every once in a while, if you truly want to build your social network, you also need to be dedicated to its maintenance. Here are some tips for maintaining your connections:

Communicate expectations 

Clear communication is a requirement for any healthy relationship, platonic or otherwise. Being transparent about topics such as your capacity for spending time together or providing emotional support, dissatisfaction with a friend’s behavior, and what you want out of a friendship is critical to maintaining a healthy dynamic. 

Be present

It is okay if things get busy and you do not have a ton of time to spend with friends, but when you do spend time together, make an effort to be present. Stay off your phone as much as possible, be a good listener, and fully enjoy the time you have together.
Express appreciation and love

Even if you assume your friends must know you appreciate and love them, it is always nice to be reminded. Small gestures like a “thinking of you” text, surprising them with a coffee, and thanking them for what they do for you go a long way with regard to making your friends feel loved. Be the friend to others that you wish you had, and hopefully you will begin to cultivate the types of friends that you want.  

Takeaway

When you are building your social circle, the number one thing to remember is that you need to be patient. Interpersonal connection does not happen overnight, and not every connection will turn into a full blown friendship. It is hard to be patient, but without patience, you might settle for incompatible people which creates more pain in the long run.

Focus on quality, not quantity when it comes to friends. While having dozens of friends may sound great, most people do not have the time or energy to maintain that many fulfilling friendships. Research suggests people need three to five high quality friendships to feel fulfilled, but there is no right or wrong number of friends as the “right” number of friends is up to the individual. When you are trying to determine the amount of friends that is right for you, consider what you want from your social circle, and then you can figure out who to surround yourself with to accomplish that. Remember, feeling dissatisfied with the state of your social life does not mean that there is anything inherently wrong with you. Making friends as an adult can be intimidating, but you can build lasting friendships with patience and willingness to go outside your comfort zone.    

Additional Resources

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Sex Therapy vs. Couples Therapy: What’s the difference?

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Maintaining a healthy and satisfying relationship is an ongoing process that can involve seeking guidance from professionals. Two common therapeutic modalities that people turn to for relationship issues are sex therapy and traditional couple's therapy. In this blog post, we'll delve into the key distinctions between these two approaches, address common questions people have about them, and explore whether sex therapy can help with specific sexual issues such as erectile dysfunction (ED) or sexual pain. We'll also shed light on what couples can expect when they begin either of these therapies.

What is Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a specialized form of counseling that focuses on issues related to sexual dysfunction, intimacy, and sexual well-being. Sex therapists are trained to address a wide range of sexual concerns, including but not limited to erectile dysfunction, desire discrepancy, sexual pain, and performance anxiety. When practiced effectively, sex therapy can help individuals and couples understand and overcome sexual challenges to achieve a more fulfilling and satisfying sex life.

What Happens in Sex Therapy?

In sex therapy, clients can expect a safe and non-judgmental space where they can openly discuss their sexual concerns and desires. The therapist may use a variety of techniques, including communication exercises, psychoeducation, and behavioral homework assignments to help clients work through their issues. The primary goal is to enhance sexual communication, improve intimacy, and resolve sexual problems within the relationship.

What is Traditional Couples Therapy?

Traditional couples therapy, also known as marriage or relationship counseling, addresses a broader range of relationship issues. While sex may be a part of the discussion, the focus extends beyond sexual concerns to include communication problems, conflicts, trust issues, and overall relationship dynamics. Couples therapy is also an empirically validated treatment for these types of relationship issues.

Differences Between Sex Therapy and Couples Therapy

Specialization

The most significant difference is the specialization. Sex therapy is typically focused on sexual concerns, while traditional couples therapy covers a broader spectrum of relationship issues.

Depth of Exploration

Sex therapy delves deeply into sexual matters, addressing sexual dysfunction and intimacy problems with a high degree of specificity. In contrast, couples therapy explores a wide array of relationship dynamics, including non-sexual aspects of the partnership.

Approach

Sex therapy often includes a practical and skills-based approach, including behavioral exercises and psychoeducation. Couples therapy, on the other hand, focuses more on communication techniques and conflict resolution.

Therapist Expertise

Sex therapists receive specialized training in human sexuality and treating sexual issues, while couples therapists typically have more general training in relationships and psychology.

Treatment Duration

Sex therapy is often more short-term and solution-focused, aiming to address specific sexual concerns. Traditional couple's therapy may be more long-term, focusing on overall relationship improvement.

Choosing the Right Therapy for Your Needs

The choice between sex therapy and couples therapy depends on the specific issues you are facing within your relationship. If sexual problems are a significant concern, sex therapy might be the most appropriate choice. However, if your relationship issues encompass broader aspects of communication and connection, couples therapy may be a better fit. Remember that both forms of therapy can be conducted as a couple, so it's essential to communicate openly with your therapist about your goals and expectations.

Takeaway

Sex therapy and couples therapy serve distinct purposes within the realm of relationship counseling. Understanding their differences and knowing when to seek each type of therapy can significantly benefit couples striving to strengthen their bond and enhance their overall well being. Whether it's addressing low desire or erectile dysfunction, improving communication, or reigniting passion, the support of a skilled therapist can be a valuable asset on your journey to a more fulfilling relationship.

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

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