5 Things to Remember Before Bringing Your Significant Other Home for the Holidays

Holiday season is among us –a time of year that is most traditionally known for its cheerful spirit, prevailing gratitude and generosity. So why does bringing your significant other along make you want to run? Sometimes things that are supposed to be exciting like Thanksgiving dinner or holiday parties with the entire family are particularly stressful.

Let’s say you are anticipating that your mom is going to comment on how you still haven’t lost the “freshman fifteen” you have been hanging onto since college and your dad is going to try to have a serious conversation about your future, suddenly the upcoming holiday celebrations don’t sound so exciting. Add a stubborn grandparent, a dysfunctional aunt and uncle and a younger cousin who always boasts about their achievements in your face to the mix. Sounding fun yet?

So bringing your special someone as a guest to your family holiday celebrations might stir some things up for you and that is a-okay. Here are some tips to help you survive this holiday season riding the love train and not the stress express.

1. Give Them A Scouting Report. Run through everyone your significant other will be meeting so it will feel less overwhelming when they walk in the door. If there are a lot of names to remember, try using a pen and paper to draw out the family tree or look at family photos.

2. Make an S.O.S. Plan, Just In Case. Intentionally plan for stressful moments to happen. This way, you adjust your expectations so you can work together if sh*t hits the fan. For example, if you know certain topics (i.e. the election) will cause your special someone’s blood pressure to skyrocket, discuss an exit plan for you to step in if they are feeling overwhelmed. On the other hand, if you have beef with a relative, now is the time to tell your S.O. which person “not to piss off” and in what circumstances you might be on edge or need some extra support.

3. Expect ALL Of The Relationship Questions: How long have you been together? Where did you meet? What was your first date like? Relatives love to ask about your relationship for a million reasons, especially those curious younger children. So, prepare yourselves in advance by playing the “20 Questions” game to help one another feel confident in your responses.

4. Review The House Rules. Rituals and traditions are important to some families. If your family says Grace before Thanksgiving dinner and your guest is not religious, let them know so they can decide if they want to participate. Make sure to give your S.O. the heads up about any topics that are off limits or whether foul language is permitted.

5. Beware of Sensitivities. If your S.O. is super introverted or has a low tolerance for large groups of people, you might consider initiating one-on-one conversations with a few of your relatives who share common interests as opposed to a table with everyone. Or, if you know your family members are carnivores and your partner is vegan, now might be a good time to talk about bringing a Field Roast or some dairy-free eggnog.

Just remember to introduce your guest… Ahead of time! Tell your family about your S.O. by sharing your top five favorite things about them. Keep it brief, but make sure you emphasize that they will be coming with you to the celebration and it is important to you that they feel welcomed. Plus, the host will appreciate this as they are probably taking a head count for dinner and will want to know much food to prepare.

Now, you are ready to relax and enjoy the holiday season!

Are You Ready to Dare to Be Direct in Your Relationship?

Are you and your partner finding yourselves going in circles when it comes to making decisions? Does indecisiveness sometimes create unnecessary tension in your relationship? If so, it might be time to ask yourself: Are you ready to try direct communication?

Direct communication can be a powerful tool in any relationship. By clearly expressing what you want, you help your partner understand exactly how they can meet your needs and strengthen your connection. Here are some pro-tips for delivering a direct request:

The Power of Direct Communication: Tips and Techniques

1. Identify What You’re Seeking

Before you can ask for what you want, you need to be clear on what that is. Whether you’re seeking quality time, problem-solving, a listening ear, or an adventurous outing, identifying your needs first will boost your confidence when it comes time to communicate them.

2. Spell It Out (With Words)

We’re all human, not mind readers. Instead of hoping your partner will guess what you’re thinking, tell them directly. For example, saying, “Hey babe, I’d really love to take a walk and get some mint-chocolate chip ice cream after dinner,” is much clearer than, “Hey babe, what would you like to do after dinner?” (while secretly hoping they suggest ice cream).

Clear communication prevents misunderstandings and keeps both of you on the same page.

3. Share the Why Behind Your Request

Sometimes, explaining why you’re making a request can help your partner understand its significance. For instance, saying, “I’d really like us to spend the afternoon just the two of us because quality time makes me feel appreciated and relaxed,” gives context and may make your partner more receptive to your needs.

4. Practice Makes Perfect

Like any skill, direct communication improves with practice. Pay attention to your partner’s feedback when you make requests. Notice what tone of voice works best, whether they respond better to a calm or vibrant tone, and whether they seem more engaged when you have their undivided attention. Adjust your approach based on these observations to improve future interactions.

Why Is Direct Communication Worth the Effort?

Daring to be direct in your communication can transform your relationship, helping you avoid the frustration of unspoken expectations and misunderstandings. When you clearly express your needs and desires, you create a pathway for mutual understanding and stronger connections.

So, ask yourself: Are you ready to take the direct approach in your relationship? The effort you put into refining this skill can lead to a more fulfilling and harmonious partnership.

If you’re still feeling stuck or unsure where to start, consider consulting a couples therapist who can offer guidance and support in building your interpersonal communication skills.

How Do You Handle Conflict When You Reach Your Boiling Point?

We all have our limits—those metaphorical boiling points where patience runs thin, and emotions start to overflow. Do you recall those moments in a relationship when it feels like your friend or partner is relentlessly pushing your buttons, turning up the heat beneath you? Maybe it's when your friend won't back down from challenging your political views or insists on your attendance at their bachelor party despite your significant work commitments. Or perhaps it’s your partner, reminding you to put away the dishes, pick up your laundry, or pay bills after you've already had a particularly stressful day at the office.

These moments, often described as frustrating or intense, contribute to an overall sense of stress. If your baseline stress level is already high—say, a 7 out of 10—it doesn’t take much for someone to crank it up to an 8 or 9. So, what happens next?

In my experience clinically, the most common reactions I see are a combination of something in between these scenarios:

• The feeling many people describe as "I just cannot take it anymore!" comes over and then you explode at your partner, yelling at them and perhaps saying things you do not mean that are hurtful. This fighting continues and creates tension which then becomes distance between you both.

• The presence of negative self-talk "I can't do anything right" emerges as we draw away from the relationship and blame ourselves, internally sulking and de-sensationalizing. This type of conflict might appear as one or both people become reclusive or initiate the silent treatment.

So maybe you identify your own pattern of dealing with conflict, however similar or different from these examples. Now return to your boiling point, remember what that felt like. What's happening within you right now?

Neurologically, here's what is actually happening in your brain and why it might be hard to communicate clearly...

There are two areas in our brain that are centrally activated during our interactions of conflict - the limbic area or emotional brain, which includes the amygdala, and the prefrontal cortex (PFC). Within the limbic system, our amygdala appears petite, yet it can have a powerful impact as it is responsible for responding to fear and rage. The prefrontal cortex (PFC) orchestrates thoughtful decision-making abilities and is our source of reasoning and good judgement.

When we are in the midst of an argument with a partner or friend, perhaps fearful of what may come of the interaction or we become angered by the threat of feeling attacked, our amygdala reacts and takes charge. Simply put, our emotional brain takes over making it very difficult for us to communicate clearly to our partners and friends. This makes sense because thoughtfulness in this moment would require sufficient PFC functioning. Mona Fishbane, PhD., clinical psychologist and family therapist, describes this limbic area activation as "the low road" of reactivity and the PFC activation as "the high road" of thoughtfulness in her application of neuroscience to her psychotherapy work and in her book, Loving With The Brain in Mind, which is an excellent resource for couples.

So, in order for us to decrease reactivity and increase thoughtfulness during moments of conflict, the PFC must communicate with the amygdala to calm it down (the brain is wired for this process to occur). We can activate this process in our PFC by engaging in calming behaviors - think diaphragmatic/deep breathing, meditation, a short walk, time to recollect, reflection, releasing tears, calming thoughts.

When we engage in calming behaviors during intense moments where our emotional brain has taken over and our PFC has gone off-line, we can actually open the pathway of communication between our PFC and amygdala, bringing our PFC back online. While these processes take time to learn and integrate into our daily lives, they are effective with the right amount of coaching and support. Perhaps you may find psychotherapy to be a useful outlet.

The Power of Choice

Now, let's return to that boiling point one last time. Your blood feels like it's boiling, you're annoyed, and the heat is rising. Maybe you’re teetering on the edge of conflict, or perhaps you're already deep in it, feeling uncomfortable and uncertain. But here’s the good news: you have the power to choose how you’ll respond in this moment.

When conflict arises, and your emotional brain takes over, it can be challenging to think clearly and communicate effectively. However, by engaging in calming behaviors—whether it’s deep breathing, taking a short walk, or simply pausing to reflect—you can help your prefrontal cortex regain control, allowing you to approach the situation with thoughtfulness rather than reactivity.

So, the next time you find yourself at your boiling point, ask yourself: What route will you take? Will you allow the heat to consume you, or will you choose to cool down and navigate the conflict with a clearer mind? The choice is yours, and with practice, you can learn to handle even the most intense situations with grace and composure.