Healing Through Kink

Content warning: discussion of trauma and sexual assault

Kink is the broad phrase that refers to any non-traditional sex, traditional meaning heterosexual, monogamous intercourse without a non-normative fantasy or desire involved. Everything from roleplay to bondage to power exchange and beyond is a form of kink. All sorts of people engage in kink for a number of reasons. Kink can absolutely be done solely for pleasure but for some, kink is a tool for healing trauma. It’s not a replacement for mental healthcare but it can be used to supplement that process. Kink offers a safe, controlled context for sexual trauma survivors to reclaim sexual confidence and comfort. While sexual trauma like assault is a non-consensual seizure of power and dominance, power exchange in a safe, kinky setting can be a consensual, healthy practice to reframe sexual trauma. Kink centers and emphasizes communication and consent which are vital tenets of any healthy sex.

Oftentimes, the appeal of kink for sexual assault survivors is the opportunity to feel empowered, respected, and safe. Not everyone will find kink healing because trauma and the ensuing healing process is highly personal. Including kink in that process is one of many power reclamation strategies. In order to be healing though, it’s important that kink is being practiced in a healthy, consensual, communicative way. Furthermore, just because kink may involve physical pain or name calling, does not equate it with self-harm. This excerpt from Dr. Joe Kort explains this further in a quote from A Beautiful Perspective: 

“self-harm breaks relationship contracts, puts yourself at risk for real harm from others or one’s self, and doesn’t stay within boundaries of physical and psychological safety… When you engage in healthy ways, you talk openly and honestly at length with the person you are going to engage with in kink, fetish or BDSM play. You have a safe word, you stop when you don’t feel safe or comfortable, and the feelings are pleasurable and enjoyable and not shame-based.” 

Kink, especially that which includes inflicting pain, not only provides the physical catharsis facilitated by pain, but also allows the recipient to be in control of the pain so they can explore those sensations safely. Focusing on intense physical sensation can be a grounding experience that allows the stresses of the real world to momentarily cease. These positive aspects can only be attained when kink is practiced consensually, safely, and transparently.

Safety and communication are key aspects of kink regardless of the context but they are all the more important when it’s being used as an outlet to heal trauma. For those interested in trying kink, especially in a therapeutic capacity, you may consider hiring a sex worker. This will allow for the most controlled environment possible to try exactly what you’re interested in.

Before delving into any kinky endeavor, it’s vital to do your research. Neglecting to do so poses significant risks to everyone involved. Below are some resources for practicing safer kink. 

• Communication 

  • How to talk about kink with new partners 

  • Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships

  • What is a safe word?  

  • Kink + Safety: What You Need to Know

• Physical Safety

  • Choking Etiquette 101 

  • What Is BDSM? Fundamentals, Types and Roles 

  • Erotic Asphyxiation: 10 Things to Know About Safe Breath Play

  • A Beginner's Guide to Impact Play 

• Consent and Boundaries

  • Kink Boundaries and Interests 

  • What Kink Can Teach Us About Consent

• Kink as a therapeutic outlet

  • Healing Through BDSM 

  • BSDM Can Provide Profound Healing Experiences 

  • Kink as a Form of Sex Therapy

  • Experimenting-with-kink-helps-my-emotional-healing 

  • How-submission-transformed-my-trauma 

  • Can Exploring in Bed Be a Potential Nightmare for Sexual Violence Survivors? 

• Kink in general 

  • RACK(Risk Aware Consensual Kink): A Realistic Alternative to SSC 

  • RACK: The Risk Acceptable Safety Mantra

  • Emerson (@thekinkeducator)

  • The Boundary Between Abuse and BDSM 

Therapeutic kink isn’t for everyone, but there’s nothing wrong with it either. There is nothing wrong with two adults consensually exploring kinky catharsis. Make sure to do your research, openly communicate, and understand your own boundaries. Kink is not a replacement for traditional trauma therapies but it can absolutely be part of the process. 

Mental Health Round-Up: Resources for Healing

Though May is coming to a close, that doesn’t mean nurturing your mental health stops there! We have compiled a resource round-up for ongoing mental health care. This is just a sampling of the vast array of resources available but we hope it serves as a useful starting point!

General

• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)

• Mental Health Resources (MHR)

• National Institute of Mental Health

Crisis Hotlines 

• Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

• Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255

• Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

• OK2Talk Helpline Teen Helpline: 1-(800)-273-TALK (8255)

• Crisis Text Line: Text SIGNS to 741741 for 24/7, anonymous, free crisis counseling

Apps & Websites for Wellness

• Insight Timer

  • Free website and app offering guided meditations, meditative music, mental health related talks, and more mental wellness resources. 

• Headspace

  • Subscription-based website and app (with free trial option) to learn meditation from the basics and up. Meditation categories include sleep, stress, and mindfulness.

• Calm

  • Subscription-based app (with free trial option) primarily focused on sleep and relaxation meditations. However, it includes video lessons for movement, nature scenes and sounds, guided meditation, sleep meditation, and more. 

• 10% Happier: Meditation

  • Subscription-based app (with free trial option) offering guided meditations. They have an affiliated book, podcast, and newsletter. 

• Happify

  • Website and app focused on improving your “happiness score” which is based on a survey users take when starting out. Its activities and games work to change your perspective through “happiness science” to improve your outlook.

• MoodMission

  • An app “for dealing with stress, low moods, and anxiety.” It is catered to remedying feelings of depression and anxiety through developing healthier coping mechanisms. 

• Woebot

  • Built around the idea of “radical accessibility” which they define as “accessible in every sense of the word. It means being able to access support no matter the house, and whether you have a diagnosis, or a prescription, or not.” Woebot uses scientifically based therapeutic research to code an AI capable of providing therapeutic support. 

• Sanvello

  • App and website offering self-care, peer support, coaching, and therapy resources. It is based around principles of cognitive behavioral therapy to effectively address mental health concerns. It is a pay-based service but it is covered under many insurance plans, according to their website.

Books | Synopses excerpted from GoodReads

• My Therapist Told Me To Journal by Holly Chisholm 

  • “Keep anxiety and depression in check with tons of totally doable mental health tips and techniques included here. You'll find some silly things, some serious things, some resources and exercises—oh, and a whole page of STICKERS to use throughout your journal.” 

• You Will Get Through This Night by Daniel Howell

  • “Written by Daniel Howell, in conjunction with a qualified psychologist, in an entertaining and personal way from the perspective of someone who has been through it all—this no-nonsense book gives you the tools to understand your mind so you can be in control and really live. Split into three chapters for each stage of the journey: This Night - how to get through your toughest moments and be prepared to face anything. / Tomorrow - small steps to change your thoughts and actions with a big impact on your life. / The Days After - help to look after yourself in the long term and not just survive, but thrive.”

• Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies: And Other Rituals to Fix Your Life, from Someone Who’s Been There by Tara Schuster

  • “This is the book Tara wished someone had given her and it is the book many of us desperately need: a candid, hysterical, addictively readable, practical guide to growing up (no matter where you are in life) and learning to love yourself in a non-throw-up-in-your-mouth-it’s-so-cheesy way.”

• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

  • “Renowned trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk has spent over three decades working with survivors. In The Body Keeps the Score, he transforms our understanding of traumatic stress, revealing how it literally rearranges the brain’s wiring—specifically areas dedicated to pleasure, engagement, control, and trust. He shows how these areas can be reactivated through innovative treatments including neurofeedback, mindfulness techniques, play, yoga, and other therapies.”

• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

  • “In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown, PhD, a leading expert on shame, authenticity and belonging, shares what she's learned from a decade of research on the power of Wholehearted Living--a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness.In her ten guideposts, Brown engages our minds, hearts, and spirits as she explores how we can cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough, and to go to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am sometimes afraid, but I am also brave. And, yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable, but that doesn't change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.”

• The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor

  • “The Body Is Not an Apology offers radical self-love as the balm to heal the wounds inflicted by these violent systems. World-renowned activist and poet Sonya Renee Taylor invites us to reconnect with the radical origins of our minds and bodies and celebrate our collective, enduring strength. As we awaken to our own indoctrinated body shame, we feel inspired to awaken others and to interrupt the systems that perpetuate body shame and oppression against all bodies. When we act from this truth on a global scale, we usher in the transformative opportunity of radical self-love, which is the opportunity for a more just, equitable, and compassionate world--for us all.”

Directories to Find a Therapist

• Find Inclusive Therapists, Counselors, Mental Health Care Near You

  • Inclusive Therapists is a therapist directory that focuses on centering the needs of Black, Indigenous, and People of Color (BIPOC) and the LGBTQIA2S+ community. They advocate for equality and accessibility. 

• Therapy For Black Girls

  • Keeping the societal stigma around mental illness that many Black women face in mind, Therapy for Black Girls caters to the needs and concerns that are specific to Black women.

• Open Path Collective: Affordable Counseling | Affordable Therapy 

  • Open Path Psychotherapy Collective is a non-profit nationwide network of mental health professionals dedicated to providing in-office and online mental health care—at a steeply reduced rate—to individuals, couples, children, and families in need.

Everyone needs different care for various needs and luckily, there is no shortage of options out there. All of the resources listed here are trusted, scientifically-based options that value privacy and effective care. Though not all of them will work for every individual, many offer trial options if applicable so you can figure out what works best for you. Remember to take care of yourself this month and every month! 

Mental Health Round-Up: Instagram Accounts to Follow

Happy mental health month from all of us at Embrace Sexual Wellness! To celebrate, we compiled a selection of mental health and psychotherapy focused Instagram accounts for you to explore. Self-care is an integral part of overall wellness and that includes making sure your social media feeds are full of posts that make you feel good.

We hope these accounts will help you do just that: 

• @MH.Advocates

  • This account both makes their own content and curates posts about mental health from other curators to make them easily accessible in one place. Recent post topics have included 5 signs of undiagnosed ADHD, symptoms of anxiety, and survival strategies for depression. 

• @TherapyForBlackGirls

  • This account focuses specifically on mental health resources for Black women. They also have a website. Recent post topics have included healing from parents who hurt you, 5 ways to reclaim your sexuality, and journaling prompts. 

• @TherapyForWomen

  • Self-proclaimed “retired party girl → relatable therapist” Amanda White runs this account, though she specifies it’s not only for women. She posts much needed reminders and guides about treating ourselves and each other kindly. Recent post topics have included self-validation, boundary violations, and body neutrality. 

• @JordanPickellCounseling

  • Therapist Jordan Pickell is a trauma and relationship therapist who focuses on boundaries, self-compassion, and reciprocal relationships. Recent post topics have included the importance of play, receiving interpersonal feedback, and vulnerability hangovers. 

• @HealingFromPTSD

  • Trauma survivor Madeline Popelka gives general mental health tips and otherwise generally gears content towards trauma and PTSD adjacent topics. Recent post topics have included getting better sleep, victim blaming, and what to do between therapy sessions. 

Source: Total Shape totalshape.com

• @NedraTawwab

  • Therapist Nedra Tawwab focuses on boundaries and interpersonal relationships. Her posts are often easily digestible blurbs about these ideas. Recent post topics have included practicing non-judgment, hard truths, and green flags in a relationship.

• @DecolonizingTherapy

  • Dr. Jennifer Mullan explores mental health through an anti-racist, decolonized lens. A project she is working on is about honoring rage. Recent post topics have covered generational trauma from colonization, rage from generational trauma grief, and divesting self-worth from labor. 

• @SelfCareIsForEveryone

  • This account “honors the importance of choosing self-care over self-harm.” They often post affirmations and reminders. Recent post topics have included what anxiety looks like, self-care ideas, and a feelings check-in post. 

• @Emotions_Therapy

  • Mental health advocate Cally Tate who is recovering from anorexia, depression, anxiety, OCD, and BDD, runs this account that covers a wide breadth of mental health topics. Recent post topics have included panic attacks, Mental Health Awareness Month, and showing emotions. 

This is just a sampling of the thousands of accounts talking about mental health. There are many more specific resources for particular mental illnesses and therapeutic approaches out there. Social media at the end of the day should serve us, not drain us; adding accounts that offer practical advice for nurturing mental health is part of curating that experience. Remember to take care of yourself this Mental Health May and every month.