What to Do for Valentine's Day When You're Seeing Someone New

Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love and affection which is great for people in love but when you are in a newly established relationship or situationship, it is tricky to know how to navigate this day. You may want to acknowledge it or do something special but want to avoid overwhelming your partner. Do you buy a Valentine’s Day gift for a new partner? Plan a romantic evening out? Or ignore Valentine’s Day altogether? The answer will vary from relationship to relationship, and there is no “right” answer. This article will discuss general tips for how to celebrate Valentine’s Day in a new relationship to get you started. 

Valentine’s Day Tips for New Relationships

Communicate expectations and desires clearly

Open communication is the ultimate key to success in relationships at any stage. Misaligned expectations, especially when they go unspoken, are a recipe for tension. You can start by expressing how you would like to celebrate, reflecting your openness to your partner’s thoughts, and that you would like to determine a plan that is comfortable for each person involved. If you find yourselves on opposing sides and cannot find a middle ground, be willing to find alternative solutions that work with your priorities. For example, if you want to celebrate with your partner because you love Valentine’s Day festivities, you could approach it by celebrating with friends instead. If you want to celebrate because you want to spend time with your partner, you could spend time with them on Valentine’s Day without indulging in the traditional activities.        

Keep it small but meaningful

Extravagant gestures and gifts are not the only way to celebrate Valentine’s Day and may put unnecessary pressure on the relationship. If everyone in the relationship does want something extravagant, that is great! However, it is more likely that you will want to keep it small. Perhaps instead of going out to a fancy dinner, you can cook dinner together at home. Instead of expensive gifts, you can exchange chocolates or flowers. When determining what kind of celebration would feel most valuable, think about what each person wants out of the celebration. Whether that means gift-giving, quality time together, or physical affection, honing in on what is important to you is crucial in personalizing your celebration.     

Celebrate with friends

If you love celebrating Valentine’s Day but your partner is uncomfortable or disinterested, think beyond celebrating romantic love and get together with friends. You can still spend quality time together, exchange cards, go out to a nice dinner, celebrate your bonds, and eat candy. The traditional festivities do not have to be exclusive to romance. 

TLDR

It is tempting to get swept up in the generic tropes of what Valentine’s Day “should” look like. The best plan will be the one that accommodates each person’s values and priorities. By maintaining open communication and considering each person’s preferences, you can plan a special day that's memorable and meaningful without overwhelming them. If it’s a newer relationship or situationship, focus on getting to know each other better and nurturing your connection in whatever way feels right for you.

What to Know Before Sharing Sexual Fantasies With a Partner

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Fantasies are a natural part of human sexuality. They can be exciting, fulfilling, and even play a crucial role in maintaining a healthy and satisfying intimate relationship. However, sharing your fantasies with a partner can be a delicate matter. In this blog, we will explore the intricacies of sharing fantasies, addressing the questions of whether you should tell your partner about your fantasies, the best ways to open up to your partner, and how to deal with obsessive sexual thoughts. We'll also emphasize the importance of understanding that fantasies are not necessarily a reflection of unmet sexual needs or dissatisfaction.

Fantasy Is Not Reality

Before we dive into the details of sharing fantasies, it's essential to understand that what makes a fantasy a fantasy is precisely that it is not reality. Fantasies are products of our imagination, shaped by desires, curiosities, and the freedom to explore scenarios that may never come to fruition in our daily lives. Some are even impossible to play out in real life. Importantly, fantasies do not inherently indicate any deficiencies in our sexual relationships or unfulfilled needs. Embracing this concept can alleviate any anxieties you may have about sharing your fantasies and help you appreciate them as a unique aspect of your sexuality.

Should I Tell My Partner About My Fantasy?

The decision to share your fantasies with your partner is a personal one and depends on various factors including your level of comfort, trust, and the nature of your relationship. Here are some tips to help you decide:

Assess Trust and Communication Strength 

A strong foundation of trust and open communication is vital in any relationship. If you feel safe and secure with your partner, sharing your fantasies can enhance intimacy and deepen your connection.

Engage in Mutual Exploration

Sharing fantasies can be an exciting way to explore each other's desires and deepen your sexual connection. It can lead to discovering shared interests and preferences, which can improve your overall sexual satisfaction.

Respect One Another’s Boundaries

It's crucial to respect your partner's boundaries. Not everyone is comfortable hearing about explicit fantasies, so approach the conversation with sensitivity. Gauge their reaction and be prepared to stop or adjust the conversation if they seem uncomfortable.

Center Consent

Always ensure that any fantasies you wish to explore involve consensual activities. Consent is paramount in any sexual exploration, so that all partners can feel comfortable and enthusiastic about trying new things.

How do I Share my Fantasies with my Partner?

Sharing your fantasies with your partner can be a fulfilling experience if done with care and consideration. Here's a step-by-step guide on how to approach this conversation.

1. Choose the Right Time and Place.

Find a quiet, private setting where both you and your partner can feel relaxed and comfortable. Timing matters too. Avoid discussing sensitive topics during arguments or stressful moments. During these moments, you or your partner may be emotionally flooded and find it difficult to navigate the topic in a way that feels good to both of you.

2. Express Your Desires Clearly.

Clearly and honestly communicate your fantasies. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and desires without placing blame or pressure on your partner. Remember that the point of this is to share your desires, not to project guilt onto your partner for not meeting these previously uncommunicated needs. If your partner feels blame and pressure coming from you, it could work against your hopes for being understood and may inhibit future conversations.

3. Listen Actively.

Encourage your partner to share their thoughts and feelings about your fantasies. Active listening fosters understanding and empathy, making it easier to find common ground.

4. Stay Open to Feedback.

Your partner may have their own fantasies, ideas, or reactions. Be receptive to their input and consider how you can mutually explore new experiences together. It can be vulnerable to share your innermost sexual desires. If they respond by sharing their own desires, be prepared to respond to them in a way that you would hope they respond to you. Curiosity keeps doors open, judgment and reactivity tend to close them.

5. Take It Slow.

Don't rush into acting on your fantasies. Take your time to build trust and ensure both you and your partner are comfortable with any new experiences.

How Do I Address Obsessive Thoughts About Fantasies?

While fantasies are a healthy part of human sexuality, they can sometimes become obsessive or intrusive. Here are some strategies to manage obsessive thoughts about your fantasies:

Self-Reflect

Take some time to reflect on the nature of your fantasies. Are they causing distress or interfering with your daily life? Are they getting in the way of completing work or other day-to-day functioning? Understanding your own feelings and their impact on your functioning can be the first step in addressing obsessive thoughts.

Seek Professional Help

If obsessive thoughts about your fantasies are causing you significant distress or affecting your mental health, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and support tailored to your specific situation.

Communicate Clearly

If you feel comfortable, discuss your obsessive thoughts with your partner. They may offer emotional support and understanding, helping you alleviate any concerns.

Engage in Mindfulness or Distraction

Engaging in mindfulness techniques or distracting activities when obsessive thoughts arise can be effective in managing them. Redirect your focus to the present moment or immerse yourself in a different activity.

Takeaway

Sharing fantasies with your partner can be a rewarding journey that deepens your intimacy and connection. Approach the conversation with sensitivity and prioritize open communication. The beauty of fantasy lies in its divergence from reality. Remember that your fantasies are a part of your individuality, not a reflection of any inadequacies in your relationship. By sharing your fantasies, you may discover new dimensions to your intimacy and embark on exciting adventures together. 

How to Overcome Emotional Gridlock in a Relationship

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Emotional gridlock is a state of emotional impasse that many partners encounter in their relationships. It often arises from unresolved conflicts and differences that become entrenched over time, leaving partners feeling stuck and disconnected. In this blog post, we will delve into the concept of emotional gridlock, explore how to overcome it and provide insights into managing conflict and perpetual problems that can strain relationships.

Understanding Emotional Gridlock

Emotional gridlock is a complex state where partners find themselves unable to resolve ongoing conflicts, resulting in a sense of frustration, distance, and even resentment. This occurs when discussions about certain topics lead to an emotional standoff, preventing any meaningful progress. It's crucial to recognize that feeling stuck in gridlock doesn't mean your relationship is doomed – rather, it's an opportunity for growth and deeper understanding.

What Can Cause Gridlock?

Unmet Expectations. When partners have different expectations about the relationship, conflicts can arise as these expectations clash. For example, expectations surrounding the balance between supporting your desired lifestyle through building your career and working long hours, while also meeting the expectation of prioritizing sexual intimacy in your relationship.

Unresolved Past Issues. Lingering resentments from past arguments or events can contribute to emotional gridlock. For example, a betrayal of trust due to one partner sharing confidential information about the relationship without permission of the other.

Lack of Compromise. Inflexibility and an unwillingness to find a middle ground can lead to perpetual problems and gridlock. For example, the battle over household responsibilities that never seems to feel fair or even.

What if Our Problem Persists?

Perpetual problems are those recurring conflicts that seem to defy resolution. They can range from differences in parenting styles to financial concerns and more. These problems become even more challenging to address when negative sentiment override comes into play. Negative sentiment override occurs when the emotional connection between partners erodes, causing neutral or positive interactions to be interpreted negatively. This further exacerbates emotional gridlock.

How to Get Unstuck From Emotional Gridlock

Learning how to get unstuck from emotional gridlock is paramount for the health and longevity of any relationship. When left unaddressed, emotional gridlock can fester and erode the foundation of a partnership, leading to increased distance, resentment, and dissatisfaction. Getting unstuck is essential because it empowers partners to break free from unproductive patterns, fostering a deeper understanding and connection. By honing skills to navigate and overcome emotional gridlock, couples can transform conflicts into opportunities for growth, ultimately strengthening their bond and creating a more resilient, fulfilling relationship. Follow these tips to help you get unstuck!

Foster Open and Honest Communication

The foundation of any successful relationship is communication. To overcome emotional gridlock, both partners must be willing to engage in open, non-judgmental conversations. This requires active listening and empathy, as well as the ability to express feelings and thoughts without fear of judgment.

Identify Underlying Issues

Often, emotional gridlock arises from perpetual problems, which are ongoing issues that have no clear solution. Identifying the underlying needs, fears, and desires associated with these problems can help uncover the true source of the conflict and pave the way for more productive conversations.

Normalize Respectful Disagreement

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but it's how you manage conflict that matters. Instead of aiming to eliminate all disagreements, focus on finding ways to manage them constructively. This involves respecting each other's perspectives and finding compromises that acknowledge both partners' needs.

Cultivate Emotional Awareness

Recognize when you're slipping into emotional gridlock. Pay attention to your emotions and thoughts during conversations. Are you feeling defensive? Are you assuming negative intent from your partner's words? Developing emotional awareness can help you step back from unhelpful patterns.

Practice Patience & Empathy

Overcoming gridlock takes time. Practice patience and empathy toward your partner's perspective. Avoid blaming or criticizing, and instead, focus on understanding their point of view.

Seek Professional Help

Sometimes, emotional gridlock can be deeply rooted and challenging to address on your own. Seeking support from a relationship therapist can provide a neutral space for productive discussions and offer tools to navigate through gridlock.

Takeaway

Emotional gridlock is a challenging yet surmountable obstacle in relationships. By understanding its nature, learning how to manage conflict, and practicing effective communication, partners can untangle themselves from feeling stuck and rediscover the emotional connection that brought them together. Remember, overcoming gridlock is a journey that requires patience, empathy, and a commitment to growth, all of which can ultimately lead to a stronger, more resilient partnership.