Despite the fact that it is an integral part of sexual pleasure for people with vulvas, the clitoris has historically been and continues to be considered mysterious and overly complicated. The lack of accurate, inclusive sex education in America only adds fuel to the fire, with the clitoris often being left out altogether from sex education curricula. This is part of why the orgasm gap exists, a term originating from a study that showed cisgender women orgasm less frequently during sex than cisgender males.
In reality, with the proper information and guidance, pleasuring a vulva and clitoris does not have to be intimidating. This guide aims to equip you with accurate information about the vulva and clitoris, general advice for making an orgasm as likely as possible, and specific tips for pleasuring a vulva.
General tips for pleasuring a vulva
Communicate preferences before, during, and after. There are many factors, such as anatomy, sexual trauma, and relationship to a sexual partner, that influence what will feel pleasurable to someone. Everyone’s preferences are different, so even if you have made someone with a vulva orgasm, that does not necessarily mean those techniques will work with another partner. Talking to a partner before sex about what usually works for them and what role they prefer you to play in their pleasure is the first step to success. That can be accompanied by positive reinforcement during sex when something feels good, and gentle correction when it does not. Afterwards, you can debrief about what worked and what did not so it can be even better next time.
An absence of communication means you have to throw shots in the dark trying to make someone feel good which can create frustration for all parties involved. Unfortunately, people socialized as women are often discouraged from speaking up about what they want so this is not to say that it is easy or simple to communicate about sex, but it is an important skill to learn if you are looking to have more pleasurable sex.
Don’t solely focus on the clitoris.
Yes, the clitoris is an important part of pleasuring a vulva. However, clitoral stimulation is the most effective when it is preceded by foreplay and stimulation of other erogenous zones like the nipples and inner thighs. When someone is aroused, the clitoris engorges with blood, making it even more sensitive. Furthermore, mental arousal and a buildup to the “main event” is almost always required in order to make someone orgasm.
Use sex toys.
There are still misconceptions around sex toys that using them is “cheating” at pleasuring a partner or that using sex toys means that you are “bad” at pleasuring someone. Sex toys are tools and if using them enhances someone’s pleasure, there is no shame in using them to achieve that!
Take the pressure off.
Orgasms are awesome, but they do not have to be the sole way to define pleasurable sex. There are plenty of ways to have fulfilling, enjoyable sex that do not necessarily end in orgasm. Additionally, focusing on the orgasm as the ultimate goal might put pressure on one or multiple sexual partners. This pressure can act as a mental block and get you further from the goal of orgasm because it is difficult to achieve orgasm under pressure.
What are the best techniques for stimulating a clitoris?
Below is a non-exhaustive list of techniques for pleasuring a vulva and clitoris. You can refer to this article for information on vulva anatomy and where to find the clitoris. These approaches to stimulating a vulva work best when they are preceded by foreplay and teasing. Additionally, you can use multiple techniques during one sex session to enhance pleasure. It might take some trial and error to figure out what works best, and that is okay! This is why communication is integral, because a partner’s feedback informs how you adjust your approach in future sex sessions.
Oral stimulation
Cunnilingus is a popular approach for pleasuring a vulva. Typically, it is best to start with broad, gentle pressure as a warmup and then build to more direct stimulation. Some clitorises are more sensitive than others, especially when it comes to direct touch, so this is something to discuss with your partner before and during cunnilingus. Oral stimulation pairs well with finger stimulation and/or penetration if that is something your partner enjoys. Furthermore, enthusiasm is hot so making pleasure noises enhances the experience as well.
Sexuality educator- recommended techniques
Sucking on the labia and clitoris
Flicking your tongue up and down on the clitoris
Circling around and on the clitoris with your tongue
Using the flat part of your tongue to lick up the length of the vulva and/or over the clitoris for a less pinpoint approach than using the tip of your tongue
Note that if you are new to giving cunnilingus, you should expect that the vulva will have an odor and taste, unique to each vulva. Unless it smells or tastes foul or fishy, two things that can indicate infection, it is likely a perfectly healthy vulva. Many people with vulvas are self-conscious about the way their vulva looks, smells and/or tastes, so keep this in mind when giving oral sex and be kind.
Finger stimulation
Fingers are great for both clitoral and internal stimulation. First and foremost, make sure your hands are clean and your nails are not sharp and ideally, not long. If they are long, round the edges and put cotton balls under them and gloves on your hands. These steps are important to avoid cuts and infection on the vulva. After that, you are ready to use your fingers, but how?
Techniques we recommend for finger stimulation
Orbiting around and on the clit with a finger
Placing your palm over the clitoris and stroking up and down
Using one or multiple fingers for penetration
Penetration
Though most people with vulvas may not orgasm from penetration alone, it can still be a pleasurable part of sex. Penetration can be used either in conjunction with clitoral stimulation to make orgasm more likely, or it can be done alone if that is pleasurable for your partner. Different sex positions offer different types of penetrative stimulation and your partner may have preferences in that regard. Finally, keep in mind that conditions like vaginismus may disallow penetration, and it is important to communicate about that if relevant.
Techniques and positions we recommend for penetration
Penetrating the vagina with fingers or a dildo and putting them/it in and pulling out repeatedly, at your partner’s preferred speed and pressure
Penetrating the vagina with a finger or several fingers with the palm facing up, and using a “come hither” motion to stimulate the g-spot
Try a sex position like “table top” or “leap frog” that allow for both penetration and you or your partner to stimulate the clitoris
Experiment with different pelvis/hip positions during penetration to adjust where the stimulation hits during penetration. This can be done in several ways, such as putting a pillow under the vulva-haver’s lower back or the vulva-haver angling their hips up or down in various sex positions
Takeaway
The tips and techniques described in this article are a great place to start, but ultimately only through collaboration and communication with your partner will you be able to pleasure them to the fullest potential. It may take trial and error, and that is okay! All partners involved should work to create a safe environment where feedback can be freely given and openly received, and where everyone feels safe. If you have anxieties and fears about your capabilities or about trying something specific, you can express that; the pressure should not only be on you to make your partner feel good. Hopefully the information and resources in this article will give you the tools to start experimenting and exploring more!
Here are some additional sources to guide further exploration:
