Communication is a crucial tool in sustaining healthy relationships. That means communicating about often complicated topics like money - how much you have, how it’s spent, and your financial goals. Financial stress is the second most common reason for divorce in the U.S., so being on the same page as your partner with finances is important at any stage in a relationship.
Money doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and often bleeds into other parts of our lives. Even without an involved partner, managing finances and debts can feel isolating and high pressure. It’s easy to create strain in any intimate relationship, especially romantic partnerships. A 2021 study by Yoon G. Lee and Lesli Dustin found that “financial stress had a significant and negative impact on financial satisfaction,” meaning that money troubles considerably “decreased the level of financial satisfaction among married individuals.” Interestingly, even though the study was not primarily focused on financial communication and stress, it ended up being “a dominant factor” throughout.
This is where open and honest communication comes in!
Whether you’re making a long-term plan or resolving a more urgent financial matter, here are a few ways to approach and navigate money conversations with your partner.
1. Be proactive
When should you talk about finances in a relationship? You don't have to wait until a big purchase or you’re overwhelmed to talk about money. Even if you don’t come away with a solid plan, opening up the conversation beforehand can serve as practice for when finances really need to be sorted out. And who knows? You might find the conversation finds solutions before something even becomes a problem.
2. Make it a date
Agree on a semi-regular time and place to check in on finances with your partner. Planned “life admin” dates ensure that both you and your partner have the capacity to pay full attention to the topic. It doesn’t have to be stressful - you can even pick a financial theme, like spending goals or retirement planning, and discuss it over dinner. If you’re short on time, working a money conversation into a pre-planned date can be just as effective!
3. Be clear and assertive with your needs
Honesty is the best policy - it’s a cliche for a reason. Lay out your current and ideal financial situations together. Talk about how yours compare to your partner’s, and break down what it takes to achieve your shared financial goals step-by-step.
4. Remember to stay open-minded
Not everyone has the same views on money. When talking about finances with a boyfriend, for example, you might have a 30-year savings plan for retirement underway and he may have different financial priorities.
Additionally, upbringing often shapes spending habits, so get on the same page about both of yours. They don’t have to be the same, but they do have to be communicated and approached respectfully. Be open to meeting in the middle.
5. Take baby steps
Some money puzzles can’t reasonably be solved in a night, so it’s a good idea to check in with each other. It’s okay to stop if either of you become overwhelmed and need a break to regroup. Some questions to ease into the topic can be as simple as, “How much do we both make?”, “Do you have student loan debt?”, or “How many credit cards do you have open?” These can slowly open up deeper conversation.
6. Enlist outside help
If you have the means and need another head helping, talk to a financial planner or try couples therapy with specialized relationship therapists. Their experts will help create a personalized plan for you and your partner - think of them as a friendly mediator. Walking through your money histories with a neutral outside source can help you and your partner understand each other’s habits and goals through different perspectives - and create new ones, too.
7. Remember you’re on the same team
You and your partner want to figure out all this financial stress together - that’s why you’re navigating these conversations in the first place! As triggering as money can be for some people, try to keep collaboration in mind to avoid arguments and further strain.
These are just a few examples you and your partner can keep in mind while talking about finances. Money can feel like a daunting topic, so remember that financial success in a relationship comes from clear communication and mutual respect - much like finding success in many aspects of a relationship. Ultimately, reframing arguments around money into productive, respectful conversations will strengthen your relationship in the long run.
