How to Make and Keep Friends as an Adult

When you are a child, making friends is relatively straightforward. You offer to share your toy, or sit down at someone’s lunch table, and you have your foot in the door. Being in school facilitates friendships for most people. Spending most of your time around the same people during some of the most formative years of your life makes it easier to make friends. When you are not surrounded by a circle of social opportunity, it becomes much more complicated to make friends. Sure, you might keep in touch with friends from your years in school. However, it is just as likely that you grow apart, your friendship styles end up being incompatible, or that the friendships just do not withstand the test of time, for whatever reason. Adulthood brings new obstacles to building and maintaining friendships like long distance, busy schedules that never seem to align, and romantic partnerships.  

TV shows like Friends, New Girl, and How I Met Your Mother seem to imply that every adult has a cohesive group of friends who do everything together and complement each other perfectly. When reality fails to match these expectations, it is difficult to not feel as though something is wrong with you for struggling with adult friendships. Rest assured, just because you are currently dissatisfied with the state of your friendships in adulthood, does not mean you cannot change it. It is very much possible to meet and make friends at any age. That is not to say that it is a walk in the park, and it will probably require venturing outside your comfort zone, but it is possible to find your people past your years in school. 

Where to Find Friends

The first step to making friends is finding people you are actually interested in befriending. Once you leave school, most people spend the majority of their time at work. This is a good place to make friends for those that work amongst and with other people, but with the recent rise in remote work, not everyone has the benefit of a social pool at work. Even if you do work with others, you may not work alongside anyone who shares your interests or who seems interesting to you. So, while work can be a good option for meeting friends in some contexts, what do you do if work is not an option for friend-making?    

Join social groups

Local social groups like book clubs, walking clubs, or workout classes are great ways to meet people with similar interests. This is a great way to make friends because you automatically have a subject in common that you can use to start a conversation.

Try using apps

People most often think of apps as a way to meet romantic interests, but there are apps for platonic connections too! Apps like Meetup or Bumble BFF can connect you with other people looking to build new friendships. 

Volunteer

Volunteering not only benefits your community, but it can also introduce you to people who share your values. Websites like VolunteerMatch can help you find volunteering opportunities. 

Take classes

Enrolling in classes or workshops related to your hobbies is a great way to meet people who share your interests. Similar to social groups, classes provide common ground to start a conversation. If paying for a class is out of your budget, check to see if your local community center offers any free workshops. 

Become a regular

Frequenting a local spot regularly (e.g., a library, cafe or restaurant) provides proximity and frequency which can facilitate connection. Seeing the same people frequently increases the likelihood of connecting with them and, even more importantly, maintaining that connection. 

How to Maintain Friendships

Though finding and initially making friends sounds like the hard part, maintaining those friendships is a whole other challenge. When you are inundated with demands for your attention and energy from work, family, health, and anything else you are responsible for, it is easy to let friendships take the backseat. While it is absolutely okay to drop the ball every once in a while, if you truly want to build your social network, you also need to be dedicated to its maintenance. Here are some tips for maintaining your connections:

Communicate expectations 

Clear communication is a requirement for any healthy relationship, platonic or otherwise. Being transparent about topics such as your capacity for spending time together or providing emotional support, dissatisfaction with a friend’s behavior, and what you want out of a friendship is critical to maintaining a healthy dynamic. 

Be present

It is okay if things get busy and you do not have a ton of time to spend with friends, but when you do spend time together, make an effort to be present. Stay off your phone as much as possible, be a good listener, and fully enjoy the time you have together.
Express appreciation and love

Even if you assume your friends must know you appreciate and love them, it is always nice to be reminded. Small gestures like a “thinking of you” text, surprising them with a coffee, and thanking them for what they do for you go a long way with regard to making your friends feel loved. Be the friend to others that you wish you had, and hopefully you will begin to cultivate the types of friends that you want.  

Takeaway

When you are building your social circle, the number one thing to remember is that you need to be patient. Interpersonal connection does not happen overnight, and not every connection will turn into a full blown friendship. It is hard to be patient, but without patience, you might settle for incompatible people which creates more pain in the long run.

Focus on quality, not quantity when it comes to friends. While having dozens of friends may sound great, most people do not have the time or energy to maintain that many fulfilling friendships. Research suggests people need three to five high quality friendships to feel fulfilled, but there is no right or wrong number of friends as the “right” number of friends is up to the individual. When you are trying to determine the amount of friends that is right for you, consider what you want from your social circle, and then you can figure out who to surround yourself with to accomplish that. Remember, feeling dissatisfied with the state of your social life does not mean that there is anything inherently wrong with you. Making friends as an adult can be intimidating, but you can build lasting friendships with patience and willingness to go outside your comfort zone.    

Additional Resources

• You Will Find Your People by Lane Moore

• Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman

• Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make - and Keep - Friends by Marisa G. Franco, PhD

• How to Make, and Keep, Friends in Adulthood 

• 20 Simple Ways To Make Friends As An Adult, Recommended By Experts

• How to Make Friends as an Adult: 8 Best Pieces of Advice          

Sex Therapy vs. Couples Therapy: What’s the difference?

Maintaining a healthy and satisfying relationship is an ongoing process that can involve seeking guidance from professionals. Two common therapeutic modalities that people turn to for relationship issues are sex therapy and traditional couple's therapy. In this blog post, we'll delve into the key distinctions between these two approaches, address common questions people have about them, and explore whether sex therapy can help with specific sexual issues such as erectile dysfunction (ED) or sexual pain. We'll also shed light on what couples can expect when they begin either of these therapies.

What is Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a specialized form of counseling that focuses on issues related to sexual dysfunction, intimacy, and sexual well-being. Sex therapists are trained to address a wide range of sexual concerns, including but not limited to erectile dysfunction, desire discrepancy, sexual pain, and performance anxiety. When practiced effectively, sex therapy can help individuals and couples understand and overcome sexual challenges to achieve a more fulfilling and satisfying sex life.

What Happens in Sex Therapy?

In sex therapy, clients can expect a safe and non-judgmental space where they can openly discuss their sexual concerns and desires. The therapist may use a variety of techniques, including communication exercises, psychoeducation, and behavioral homework assignments to help clients work through their issues. The primary goal is to enhance sexual communication, improve intimacy, and resolve sexual problems within the relationship.

What is Traditional Couples Therapy?

Traditional couples therapy, also known as marriage or relationship counseling, addresses a broader range of relationship issues. While sex may be a part of the discussion, the focus extends beyond sexual concerns to include communication problems, conflicts, trust issues, and overall relationship dynamics. Couples therapy is also an empirically validated treatment for these types of relationship issues.

Differences Between Sex Therapy and Couples Therapy

Specialization

The most significant difference is the specialization. Sex therapy is typically focused on sexual concerns, while traditional couples therapy covers a broader spectrum of relationship issues.

Depth of Exploration

Sex therapy delves deeply into sexual matters, addressing sexual dysfunction and intimacy problems with a high degree of specificity. In contrast, couples therapy explores a wide array of relationship dynamics, including non-sexual aspects of the partnership.

Approach

Sex therapy often includes a practical and skills-based approach, including behavioral exercises and psychoeducation. Couples therapy, on the other hand, focuses more on communication techniques and conflict resolution.

Therapist Expertise

Sex therapists receive specialized training in human sexuality and treating sexual issues, while couples therapists typically have more general training in relationships and psychology.

Treatment Duration

Sex therapy is often more short-term and solution-focused, aiming to address specific sexual concerns. Traditional couple's therapy may be more long-term, focusing on overall relationship improvement.

Choosing the Right Therapy for Your Needs

The choice between sex therapy and couples therapy depends on the specific issues you are facing within your relationship. If sexual problems are a significant concern, sex therapy might be the most appropriate choice. However, if your relationship issues encompass broader aspects of communication and connection, couples therapy may be a better fit. Remember that both forms of therapy can be conducted as a couple, so it's essential to communicate openly with your therapist about your goals and expectations.

Takeaway

Sex therapy and couples therapy serve distinct purposes within the realm of relationship counseling. Understanding their differences and knowing when to seek each type of therapy can significantly benefit couples striving to strengthen their bond and enhance their overall well being. Whether it's addressing low desire or erectile dysfunction, improving communication, or reigniting passion, the support of a skilled therapist can be a valuable asset on your journey to a more fulfilling relationship.

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

The Healing Power of Pets: How Cats and Dogs Can Improve Mental Health

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Our pets have an extraordinary ability to brighten our lives, offering unconditional love and support. But did you know that the mental health benefits of having a pet extend far beyond companionship? Cats and dogs, two of the most popular choices for animal companionship, can have a profound impact on symptoms of depression and anxiety. In this blog, we will explore the numerous ways in which pets contribute to our well-being and help manage mental health symptoms, and we'll also consider the differences between cats and dogs in this regard.

What are the known mental health benefits of pet ownership?

Owning a pet has several known mental health benefits. Cats and dogs may support mental health in different ways, but both have been known to be beneficial for mental health. Key benefits of pet ownership include:

Stress Reduction

One of the most significant mental health benefits of pet ownership is stress reduction. Interacting with pets, whether it's cuddling with a cat or playing fetch with a dog, can lead to a decrease in cortisol, the stress hormone. A reduction in stress may also help individuals better manage their anxiety and depression symptoms. The presence of a pet offers a calming influence, making it easier to cope with life's ups and downs.

Companionship

Cats and dogs provide companionship, helping to alleviate feelings of loneliness and isolation. Loneliness is a common factor in depression and anxiety, and pets offer a constant and non-judgmental presence that can fill this emotional void. Many people with mental health symptoms find solace in the companionship of a furry friend who is always there to lend an ear or a paw.

Physical Activity and Routine

Dogs, in particular, require regular exercise, which can encourage their owners to engage in physical activity. Exercise has a direct impact on mental health, releasing endorphins that improve mood and reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety. Furthermore, pets often thrive on routine, which can provide structure and stability in the lives of individuals whose mental health symptoms are impacting their daily functioning.

Cats or Dogs, Which is Better for Your Mental Health?

The choice between a cat and a dog as a pet depends on an individual's personality, lifestyle, and specific mental health needs. Both can offer emotional support and companionship, but they differ in certain aspects that may make one more suitable than the other for particular challenges.

Benefits of Cats

Cats are known for their independence and low-maintenance nature. They are great for people who need a more hands-off pet. If you have anxiety and find comfort in a calm, low-energy environment, a cat might be a better choice. The gentle purring and affectionate nature of many cats can provide emotional support and stress relief. Cats are also a good option for individuals with a busy lifestyle, as they require less attention and exercise than dogs.

Benefits of Dogs

Dogs are loyal, affectionate, and highly social animals. They can be a perfect fit for individuals who struggle with depression, as the routine and responsibility of caring for a dog can provide a sense of purpose and motivation. The exercise and outdoor activities that dogs require can also help alleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety, as physical activity promotes the release of mood-improving endorphins. Additionally, a dog’s companionship can be especially beneficial for those who need emotional support and someone to share their life with.

Takeaway

Whether you choose a cat or a dog, pet ownership can have a remarkable impact on your mental health. The unconditional love, companionship, and routine that pets provide can alleviate the symptoms of depression and anxiety, reduce stress, and combat loneliness. Consider your lifestyle, personal preferences, and specific mental health needs when choosing the right pet for you. 

Remember that pets are not a substitute for professional mental health treatment, but they can be valuable additions to your support system. If you're considering adopting a pet for its mental health benefits, consult with a licensed psychotherapist or mental health counselor to determine the best choice for your specific circumstances. In the end, the bond between a human and their furry friend can be a powerful force for healing and happiness.