How to cope after a miscarriage: A guide for partners

Having a miscarriage can be devastating in a way that is often lonely. In the wake of a miscarriage, it is common to feel disconnected from your partner and even from yourself. The emotional healing process is unique for each individual and couple. Everyone experiences grief differently, but whatever feelings you are grappling with, they are valid. It takes time to heal from such a loss, but there are ways you can care for yourself and your relationship that can make it a little more manageable. In this article, we will discuss how to heal after a miscarriage, ways to cope with associated relationship stressors, and how to reconnect with your partner.

Managing Grief 

It is normal to experience a rollercoaster of emotions following a miscarriage. You might experience sadness, numbness, anger, guilt, and shock. It can be uncomfortable to sit with these feelings, but the only way to get through it is to experience it. On top of that, physical changes and volatile hormones complicate the experience of the formerly pregnant person even further. However, all partners in the relationship, regardless of whether or not they were pregnant, will likely experience some form of grief. There is no universal experience of grief, and therefore no universal way to cope. Here are some tips as you figure out how to best process your grief.

Resist the urge to isolate

Sometimes depression makes people want to isolate themselves from their community. While it is certainly easier said than done to resist depression-fueled urges, it is important to make your best effor to stay connected to loved ones. If it is too hard to initiate social contact, consider asking friends and family to check on you regularly and to be more mindful of making consistent plans with you.   

Accept support 

If at all possible, do not rush back into your typical life, especially if you are still physically healing. Productive rest and healing is more possible when you allow yourself to be cared for. While it makes sense that this may be uncomfortable or make you feel guilty, the people who love you want to be helpful. There is not much they can say or do to lighten your emotional load, but accepting their help with practical tasks will allow you more time and energy to process your emotions.  

Seek professional help

Grief and depression are powerful forces, and even if you do everything “right” to cope, it might still feel insurmountable. In these instances, you need to seek professional help, in the form of a moderated support group and/or a therapist. 

How to reconnect with a partner after miscarriage

Since grieving is different for each person, it can lead to potential relationship stressors. For example, one partner might want to process externally by talking about their feelings, while the other finds talking about it more distressing than productive. It is common to feel disconnected from your partner in the aftermath, but there are ways you can try to reconnect. Try not to make any permanent decisions about the relationship dynamic during this time, as grief and depression can distort your true feelings. Here are some ways to reconnect: 

Communicate your feelings

Though it can be uncomfortable to talk about such challenging emotions, it is important to be transparent with each other about what you are experiencing and what you need to facilitate your healing process. Even if you feel unable to express the full extent of your emotions, any communication you can manage is better than none at all. A lack of communication creates emotional distance in a relationship; this is not a you versus your partner(s) circumstance, it is you and your partner against the grief. Try to keep this in mind and practice empathy towards your partner’s experience even if it differs from your own.      

Seek counseling

Couples therapy offers a safe space to express and process your emotions. Strong emotions might cloud your ability to express yourself productively and a therapist can help you find mutual understanding more easily. 

Schedule quality time

During a stressful time, it is more important than ever to be intentional about spending time together to maintain your connection. This does not need to be anything fancy or elaborate but ideally it should be a shared positive experience. Accumulating positive experiences is a powerful tool for creating a buffer against your negative emotions.

Getting Pregnant Again

The good news is that 85% of people who experience pregnancy loss go on to have healthy pregnancies if they choose to try again. If you want to try to conceive again, try to hold off until everyone in the relationship is at a point in their healing journey where they feel ready to do so. Medically speaking, it is best to wait until you have physically and emotionally recovered to embark on a new pregnancy. Physically, some people may be ready to get pregnant as soon as two weeks following a miscarriage, but that will heavily depend on your body and how it is healing, as well as any procedures that may have accompanied the miscarriage. Consult your doctor for the most accurate, personalized advice for when you should try to get pregnant again. 

What if I feel anxious about trying again?

It is natural and expected to feel anxious or scared when you are trying to get pregnant and when you do get pregnant after a miscarriage. This might make enjoying your pregnancy difficult. Consider talking to your partner and/or other trusted loved ones so you do not have to carry the weight of the anxiety alone. You can also speak to your doctor about how to maximize your chances of a successful pregnancy which may serve to alleviate some anxiety as well. 

Takeaway

In the wake of a miscarriage, the emotional toll can be overwhelming. Grief is a natural response to pregnancy loss, and it can manifest in myriad ways. It is crucial to acknowledge and experience these feelings, though they can be uncomfortable to sit with. Healing after a miscarriage takes time and patience. If you are unsure of the best way to process your emotions, seek professional support and extra care from your support network.

How to Prevent Seasonal Depression

Fall is fast approaching, which means fall festivities and cozy weather, but unfortunately it also brings daylight savings time on November 5th 2023. For people who experience seasonal affective disorder (SAD), also known as seasonal depression, this can be a difficult time of year. Symptoms of seasonal depression include fatigue, loss of interest in pleasurable activities, and intense sadness. It is not an uncommon circumstance, so if you experience this, you are far from alone. Luckily, there are things you can do to mitigate the intensity of your symptoms.

Tips for Mitigating Symptoms of Seasonal Depression

Utilize light therapy

While there is no definitive cause of SAD, diminished sunlight is thought to be a major contributor. Light boxes are designed to deliver bright light, simulating sunlight, to treat symptoms of SAD. You cannot use just any light, it needs to provide 10,000 lux of light and produce as little UV as possible. There are specific guidelines to using the lightbox delineating the best time of day and exposure times, so be sure to do your research before trying this method.  

Get outdoors

Spending time outdoors functions similarly to the lightbox, in that the goal is to maximize exposure to natural light. It is even better if you can do something active outdoors like taking a walk to provide a boost of endorphins. If that does not feel feasible, sitting outside and getting some sunlight and fresh air is a great approach too.  

Practice meditation

When most people hear about meditation, it generates a mental image of someone sitting in a lotus pose humming “omm”. While this is a valid approach to meditation, it is not the only option. Walking in nature while focusing on your breathing and intentionally taking in your surroundings is one form of meditation. Dynamic meditation is another great option for those who get restless trying to sit still because it uses physical movement as meditation. Research suggests coloring in a structured, symmetrical pattern facilitates a meditative state and soothes anxiety so coloring mandalas is another option for meditation. This is not an exhaustive overview of types of meditation, so if these do not resonate, consider these alternative forms of meditation to find one that works for you.   

Stay socially connected

As with any type of depression, isolating only adds fuel to the fire. Ensuring that some of your close contacts understand that you are depressed or that you anticipate having a hard time once winter comes is a great first step. You can also consider asking them to check on you with increased frequency, help you run errands or do chores, take regular walks with you, or whatever else feels helpful when you are depressed. Socializing does not have to mean anything big or fancy, even a quick call with a friend is better than complete isolation.   

Try therapy

If your symptoms persist or worsen, it is important to seek professional help. A mental health provider can offer therapeutic interventions such as talk therapy or medication. Common types of therapy for depression include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Psychodynamic therapy, and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive therapy. In fact, CBT has been adapted specifically for SAD as well. Not every therapy will work for every person, but there are multiple approaches available to treat SAD.   

Takeaway

Educating yourself on methods to prevent and mitigate symptoms of seasonal affective disorder is an important first step that you have already taken by reading this article. You can navigate the darkness of winter successfully by embracing preventive measures and taking advantage of the resources around you like community and professional support.      

Boundaries: What they are and how to set them

Boundaries are a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise. In an ideal scenario they are tools to make sure everyone involved in a relationship feels safe and comfortable. Boundaries are setting limits put in place to protect yourself from harm and distress. Boundaries exist in opposition to the concept of rules, which are restrictions put on others in an attempt to control someone else and are not part of a healthy relationship dynamic. In short, boundaries are “I will” and rules are “you won’t.”

What are healthy boundaries and how do I set them?   

Boundaries are relevant across various parts of our lives and there are five types including physical, time, emotional, material, and sexual. You are not obligated to justify why you have a given boundary but it does not hurt to give the context if you feel so compelled. Here is a brief description of each type of boundary:

Physical: boundaries that include personal space, physical touch, and physical needs like rest. Example: I don’t like hugs, can I offer you a handshake?

Time: boundaries that protect how you spend your time and how much of it goes to different types of commitments. Example: I cannot stay at work beyond my scheduled hours.

Emotional: boundaries that respect your feelings, energy, and emotional labor. Example: Spending quality time together is important for my emotional wellbeing, can we set aside a night to hang out without using our phones?

Material: boundaries that refer to your expectations around sharing items and possessions. Example: You can borrow my car during my work hours, but outside of work hours I need to be able to access it. 

Sexual: boundaries that define the type of sexual intimacy you want, how often, when, where, and with whom. Example: Let’s take time to get to know each other before engaging in physical intimacy. 

It is important to remember that the most effective boundaries reflect each individual's values and needs. With that in mind, let’s consider some reflection questions that may help you determine your boundaries in your relationships:

• How do you want to be touched and by whom? How do you want your family to physically interact with you, if at all? What about friends? Coworkers?

• How can you structure your time so you can attend to your responsibilities and also fulfill your own needs? How much alone time do you need, if any? How much time do you want to invest in sectors of your life like work, friendships, romance, etc.? 

• Are there any topics that make you feel uncomfortable to discuss and what are they? How does that comfort vary based on who you are with? Do you need to set different conversational boundaries for different relationships? Do you have any triggering topics you may want to set boundaries around?

• Do your social media feeds make you feel good? If not, what could be eliminated or added to change that? How do you consume news, and do you find that your consumption of it is more effective than it is draining? What role does media consumption play in your life? Is there any way it could be improved? How does consuming the media in your life at present make you feel?

• What activities/interactions boost your emotional energy? What drains it? Do you know how to tell when you cannot take on any more emotional weight?

• Which possessions would you prefer to keep private? Who is allowed to access those possessions, if anyone other than yourself? Are there certain times you would allow access to those possessions? What does that look like? 

• What makes you feel safe or unsafe during sex? What conditions will make you the most comfortable and at ease? 

The Danger of Misusing Boundaries

Recently, discussions about boundaries and therapy language have been in the news when Jonah Hill’s ex-partner, Sarah Brady, came out with texts between her and Hill. The texts show Hill misusing and weaponizing therapy language and boundaries in an attempt to control Brady. This incident emphasized the need for a deeper exploration of personal boundaries in the zeitgeist. In the text messages, Hill lists what Brady needs to avoid doing to respect his “boundaries,” including things like surfing with men and posting pictures in a bathing suit on social media despite the fact that both of those are parts of her job as a surfing instructor. The immediate red flag is that he is telling Brady what she can and cannot do, instead of explaining how her behavior makes him feel and how he will react if she does do those things. 

Understanding the purpose of personal boundaries is key to setting them effectively. The point of boundaries is to set healthy limits for oneself in order to protect one’s emotional wellbeing. Instead of explaining how he would react in response to Brady’s behavior, Hill attempted to dictate what Brady did. There are ways to work together to find a resolution that works for everyone, but none of those ways include one partner unilaterally deciding what is okay for everyone involved. Hill telling Brady what she can and cannot do and framing it as a boundary allows him to control her under the guise of “self-care.” This is an inappropriate usage of therapy language and boundary-setting. It is crucial to remember that therapy language, while powerful and transformative in a therapeutic context, should never be used to undermine or coerce others. 

Takeaway

Personal boundaries are an integral part of healthy relationships and self-care. They define what is acceptable and unacceptable in our interactions with others by defining our own reactions to others instead of controlling what other people do. By understanding and respecting personal boundaries, you can establish clear parameters to promote mutual trust and autonomy. It is essential to communicate boundaries effectively and listen actively to others’ boundaries. Boundaries are not about building walls but rather about defining the space where you can thrive while maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships. If you feel unsure of how to approach determining, setting, and communicating boundaries, consider working with a therapist who can guide you through the process.