3 Steps For Setting Sexual Wellness Intentions

Happy 2022! After the trials and tribulations of the last few years, it’s more important than ever to intentionally focus on one’s wellness to avoid burnout. Around the new year, there are frequent conversations about transformation and resolution setting. Before diving into how to set sexual wellness intentions for the new year, it’s important to preface that if resolution-setting doesn’t help you, there is nothing wrong with not doing so. Just staying afloat in chronically stressful societal conditions is a feat in and of itself so if that’s all you have the capacity for, that is more than enough. For those who are yes to sexual wellness goals for the new year, here are 3 steps that can help guide your intention setting.

1. Understand what sexual wellness is and what it looks like for you
Before jumping in, it is important to understand what sexual wellness is. 

What is sexual wellness? 
Sexual wellness is emotional and physical satisfaction with regard to one’s sexuality and sexual life. Goals around sexual wellness can be oriented toward one’s sexual relationship with themselves, or with others. Intentionality is an important part of cultivating sexual wellness and forces perpetual self-reevaluation of boundaries and desires. This knowledge is key to reaching sexual wellness goals.

2. Reflect on your current sexual wellness; what is working and what could be improved

Before setting your intentions, it is a good idea to gauge the current status of your sexual wellness and identify areas where you are already satisfied and areas where you’d like to improve. Use these questions to guide your self-reflection:

Questions for reflecting on your sexual wellness

• Are you generally satisfied with your current sex life? What do you enjoy about it? What, if anything, do you dislike about it or wish was different? 

• Do you have shame around sex and/or your appearance? Where does it come from? How does it affect your sex life, if at all? 

• Are you affected by any sexual trauma? Is there any part of that trauma that you’d like to process with a therapist before working on sexual wellness intentions? (Note: focusing on addressing trauma can be a sexual wellness intention, too!)

• What sexual activities or relationship dynamics do you want to try out that you haven’t yet? What have you already tried, and what did you learn about yourself from those experiences? 

• If you have sex involving other people, do you trust and like those people? Do they meet your sexual needs? How is your communication about and during sex? 

• Do you already dedicate attention to your own pleasure?

3. Choose your intentions and plan how you’ll achieve them

Once you have a good idea of your sexual needs, boundaries, and desires, use that information to decide what you want your intentions to be. Below is a non-exclusive list of intentions and specific actions you can take to work toward them.

Intention ideas 

-To focus on the journey, not the destination

• Be more present in your body and with your partner

• Make the goal of sex be pleasure and connection rather than orgasm

• Experiment and try out things you’re curious about

-To be honor your needs and your pleasure

• Don’t lie about having an orgasm if you didn’t

• Ask for what you want and need from your partner in sexual encounters

• Don’t leave it to chance; schedule sex and/or masturbation sessions

-To try new things

• Use more “sexcessories” like lubricant and sex toys

• Do more kegels

• Read more erotica 

This is all a starting point to inspire your intention-setting but everyone’s sexual wellness looks different and will need different types of nurturing. Regardless of whether or not you choose to set intentions for the new year, be sure to take care of your overall wellness, including sexual wellness, regardless. Setting sexual wellness intentions can be done on your own or with a partner. You may also want to consider speaking with a sex therapist if you need help with any of the steps above. If you live in Illinois, Embrace Sexual Wellness can help. Contact us HERE. 

Tips for Navigating Long Distance Intimacy

Long distance relationships are tough for everyone involved - who wants to be apart from their loved one(s)? Though nothing will quite sate the desire to be with them physically, there are ways to get everyone’s needs met. Over the past few years COVID forced us to innovate and find creative ways to stay connected. As a result, we've never had more tools available to make long distance relationships a bit easier. Before figuring out which of these options work best for your relationship, all partners involved should evaluate what they need to feel connected and satisfied, and then communicate that to each other. That will give you the information you need to choose the best option(s) for your relationship.

Some questions you should consider are:

• What are your non-negotiable needs around connecting with your partner and how often do you need to connect to feel satisfied in your relationship? 

• How often are you able and willing to text/call/video chat? 

• What insecurities, if any, do you have about long distance relationships and what do you need from your partner(s) to help you manage those insecurities?

• What ways, if any, do you need to be intentional about how you spend social time outside the relationship in order to feel socially satisfied? 

• What are your primary love language(s) and how can they be fulfilled long distance? 

Once you establish those answers, you can get started looking into ways to connect, including the following suggestions: 

CASUAL COMMUNICATION

• Send videos or audio messages to give your partner updates about your day 

• Make “open when” letters

• Send them a surprise $5 to get themselves a coffee  
  

SPENDING TIME TOGETHER

• Watch a movie or TV show together

• Play free multiplayer games online like on Pogo

• Do a virtual museum tour
  

SEX

• Try out a long distance remote control sex toy 

• Print out sultry photos of yourself and mail it to them (as long as you have consent) 

• Set aside time for sexting like you would carve out time for physical sex in order to be fully present and connected 
  

Long distance relationships are challenging but not insurmountable. With work, intentionality, and communication, it’s possible to have a full, satisfying relationship regardless of proximity. 

Intimacy After Childbirth

Giving birth is one of the most incredible acts a human body can perform, as well as one of the most strenuous. After a hormonal, physically traumatic experience, it’s not uncommon for birth givers to not want intimacy afterwards. On top of the physical effects to the body and the emotional drain of birth, intimacy can be a difficult activity to prioritize with a newborn to tend to which sometimes involves breastfeeding, which is additionally physically draining. 

Generally, it takes six weeks from birth to be fully healed in and around the vulva and vagina, though this timeline varies from person to person. Engaging in penetrative intimate acts is generally not advisable before fully healing. That being said, each individual should prioritize the advice from their healthcare professional. It’s important to note that if and when everyone involved in the relationship does feel ready for penetrative sex, contraception is still vital as pregnancy is a risk regardless of whether or not the birthgiver is breastfeeding and whether or not their period has resumed. 

All partners involved should focus on practicing patience and flexibility with the postpartum intimacy timeline because you may feel ready at different paces. It’s likely that you’ll gradually progress, rather than going from feeling unready for any intimacy to ready for all types of intimacy in an instant. The progression might not even be linear, and it’s important to maintain an open line of communication as needs and boundaries shift. 

Both physical and emotional changes will factor into your timeline and individual boundaries and needs. Some physical changes after birth for the birth giver that may occur are aches and pains, vaginal dryness, and hormonal imbalances. All partners may experience exhaustion, feeling “touched out” from handling the newborn all day, and general emotional overwhelmedness. The changing dynamic that results from a child, whether they’re the first child or not, can be frustrating and difficult to navigate, resulting in feeling emotionally drained. For the birth giver, body image may additionally be difficult to navigate postpartum and intimacy may feel too exposing. Furthermore, for birth givers that choose to breastfeed, nursing releases oxytocin which increases bonding with the child but suppresses libido. Though physical intimacy may feel difficult in the midst of all these changes, it’s an important part of feeling connected to your partner(s).

As you navigate postpartum intimacy, you may want to keep the following tips in mind...

• Intimacy can look many ways and doesn’t necessarily need to have a sexual connotation. Cuddling, giving each other massages, and even emotional conversations can foster a feeling of intimacy. 

• It’s possible that intimacy won’t feel as good or desirable immediately after birth as it did before birth but that doesn’t mean it will stay that way forever.

• If physical intimacy doesn’t feel feasible, simply making time for one another and small caring gestures can make all the difference in maintaining an intimate emotional connection. 

• Physical intimacy and sex should happen on your terms, not how you feel you “should” practice it. Length and timing of intimacy, type of intimacy, or any other factor should function to make you feel connected and comfortable. 

  • For instance, though typically sensual time has a nighttime connotation, this doesn’t have to be the case. Especially for exhausted parents, bedtime may not foster a desire for intimacy. Shifting to earlier timing might be a good option when your schedules allow. 

  • Another example is length of intimacy; intimacy and sex don’t need to be long, drawn out sessions if that doesn’t sound good. Quickies are your friend! 

• Remember that while changes in a relationship dynamic, changes in libido, hormonal changes, and low energy are frustrating parts of navigating postpartum life, they are all completely normal. They, too, shall pass. 

Everyone’s postpartum intimacy journey is a deeply personal experience but some useful external resources that may help guide you are… 

• Sexual health and intimacy after childbirth

• First-time parents' experiences of proximity and intimacy after childbirth - A qualitative study

• Sex After Birth: What to Expect and How Long to Wait

• Sexual Intimacy After Childbirth: When It Isn't Like Before

Above all, give yourself and your partner(s) as much grace as possible and try to practice patience. Encountering challenges is part of the journey and eventually, everything will find its place in your life.